From the time I was 10 years-old until I was in my twenties, I fought a bloody battle with my own body, which manifested as anorexia and bulimia. I spent 15 years in what can only be described as a hell of my own body but more than anything, a place where I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was blessed, however, to get help and eventually fully recover. I learned to come to a place of peace with my body and formed an essence of neutrality. I no longer put effort into trying to lose weight because I knew this was a slippery slop to relapse. Through the years of recovery it became apparent that I needed to work on my past sexual trauma that was keeping me stuck in not only a war against my body but in many areas of my life, especially my sexuality. I would later learn that most individuals with eating disorders also have some difficulties with their sexuality in some form or fashion. I went to therapy religiously and pushed myself to open up internal boxes that I had bolted shut. The deeper I dug the more disgusted I found for my sexuality and the more my body shut down physically.
by Kendal Williams (featured on Consumer Health Digest)
“There I stand looking in the mirror as I brush my teeth. I am noticing how frumpy I look and exhausted I feel at this hour but, even more so I find myself frustrated and overwhelmed with the thoughts of everything that I had needed to get taken care of and never found the time for that will now move to my things to do list tomorrow. My husband walks in the bathroom behind me saying something that I cannot really hear over the brushing and swishing of my oral care. I spit in the sink and ask him what he said. He rattles something back about the day and shutting down the house for bed. I pick up a washcloth and bend over to wash my face, my husband comes up behind me, grabs hold of my hips and squeezes, then slaps my bottom and gives me a look.
I can tell that he wants sex. Lord, I don’t! My body is tired and my mind is wandering and stressed about the day to come. I feel no turn on in this moment but look at my husband as he pulls his underwear off and gets into bed. Suddenly I feel like I need to do this one last chore of the day and “take care of his needs.” I figure that if I go along with it, even act like I am into it or want it that he will come a little quicker and I can be asleep in the next 15 minutes or so. Continue reading…
If you know me, then you know I adore music and have different artists for every mood. Music inspires my body and soul, and today, I am in a very soulful mood. I lie here in the grass on a beautiful spring day as the sun shines through my strawberry blonde hair and onto my pale white skin. Then my music library shuffles to Dave Matthews Band and the song “Dreamgirl” begins my turn-on, and then continues with “Crash Into Me.” Both of which make my soul sing with desire and orgasmic energy. It feels very fitting for this divine moment. I start singing along and thinking about how EVERY woman should have at least one man, if not more, in her life that looks at her this way. I close my eyes and dream of one of my lovers sitting next to me and staring at me with a mischievous boyish grin of desire and hope. Taking in not only the sun reflecting off of my body, but also looking deep into my soul to see all the beautiful little messy parts of me that he adores. It brings a beautiful smile to my face. I start to dream of my “Dream-man” where we continually and playfully ‘crash’ together! Chasing after one another in an animalistic playful way that is also sensual, where we are eating each other up, and can’t get enough at that moment.