It’s been a very long week of expansion and contraction, and honestly, my emotions are all over the place as well as my energy. One moment, I feel like crying, and the next, I am in a pure state of divine bliss! I have had several personal growth sessions and am working on integrating them all. A few days ago, I had a rebirthing session (see Birthing A Soul: A Session of Transformation), and today, I am to have a different rebirthing process, not only to integrate the previous few days, but also to incorporate the human need for connection.
My mentor picks me up, both of us drive to the session, and I keep wanting to scream at her, “Just turn around, I don’t want to do this, this is stupid and a waste of your time.” While beyond my Ego, my heart is crying, “I’m scared and don’t want to be too much here” and also wondering if she will be able to truly “hold me” in this process, despite my complete trust and knowing that she has never let me down in this way. I have a basic idea of what is going to happen, and the end of the session scares the shit out of me because it will require me to get emotionally vulnerable OR miss out on the most imperative portion of the session, and I know this to be true deep in my soul. So, we drive and finally find a place to park, and my heart begins to beat very fast. I am led to a sensory deprivation tank where I am to float in the tank for an hour where I am to clear my mind of thoughts. I get into the water, become acutely aware of my nakedness, and am unsure what to do with my limbs. My monkey mind begins to start going crazy about how this is “weird” and also, I have a total girl moment and worry about how all the Epson salts are going to impact my hair, then wonder if I’m floating “right.” I yell at myself for my randomness, remind myself that I am avoiding relaxing into my energy and vulnerability, and finally take a nice deep breath. I clear my mind and watch my breath for a few moments until I am able to fully let go of even this focus point. Suddenly, I begin to see beautiful colors swirling and feel as if I am spinning in this pool of water despite my knowledge that I am completely stationary. As I stay with this cascade of color and energy, it feels like I am floating out in the divine starry Universe.
My mind then loses touch with this, and I am back in my body and back to worrying about how things are going to proceed with the remainder of the session. How is my mentor going to know when to come in? What is going to happen? Do I need to do anything? Should I tell her I am “good” and don’t want to do the last part? How are we going to do this if I’m all wet?… and then I catch myself! I realize that when a baby is getting ready to be born, they don’t worry about what is going to happen or try to control the process. Unconsciously, they lean into the unknown and let other people take the reigns. So again, I breathe and relax into the fact that I don’t need to control this and that whatever happens will be exactly what is necessary. I reenter my energy and find myself this time surrounded by a magnificent scene of white energy mixed with streaks of the palest pinks, greens, blues, and indigos. I hang in this glorious place for some time when the actual light finally hits my eyes, and I see someone in the dark entering the room.
I breathe, I sit up, and stand up with shaky legs because I am only half in my body after an hour of playing in the Universe. My heart begins pounding as I step out of the tank, grab my towel, and step into a hug from my mentor. She sits down against the wall and beckons me to come sit with her… This is the part that I was fearing. The vulnerable piece. The part where I need to allow myself to be held in all sense of the word. I lean back into her, and her arms wrap around me; one hand is placed on my third eye and another on my heart chakra. My initial reaction is to hold myself up, to keep myself “together,” and if I am completely honest, it’s to disconnect from the emotions being experienced. She whispers, “Relax.” So, I take another deep breath and begin to allow the melting as the emotions begin to rise in my chest. It feels so good being held that I fear my own desire for this simple process. It brings up childhood feelings of being unloved. It brings up so much heart energy that I am both reveling in it and fear it because it means I am truly trusting someone with my tender heart. Then she throws me off the edge with affirmations of my worth. She knows, and spirit is leading her to all my hang-ups. These beautiful affirmations, as I am held in this pure and innocent manner feel like a sword, cutting straight to my core and all feelings of unworthiness, being unlovable, and not good enough pour out. I make the slightest turn of my body as I bury my head into her chest and cry, and cry, and cry… Oh yeah, then I cried some more. For a moment, I feel truly like a disoriented new babe in a new world with too many emotions. She continues sharing affirmations as my tears pour, but then, begins to slow and I can feel a new energy spread throughout my body. Then, as my tears clear my phone that is shoved in the corner of the room, deep in my bag makes a funny noise, which sends us both into a state of pure laughter. The laughter feels connective and like the PERFECT way to end the session. The past few days of sessions went from light to deep contractions, and here I am feeling like the process of rebirthing is complete as I laugh with my mentor.
I stand up, get one last hug, go and rinse off my salty body, and redress. But throughout the entire process, I feel a sense of peace that I don’t ever remember feeling. I meet back up with my mentor, look at her shirt that has a big salty wet spot where my head was, and we laugh about how birth can be a messy process. I go home feeling full, grounded, and with a level of immense gratitude!
Thank you to my mentor for this truly transformative experience!