I sit there talking to this man and I find a little corner of my heart making space for love towards this man. We chat about a recent date of his, and I laugh with him about his slyness with coming up with amazing adventures. I love hearing about one of his lovers, specifically because it fills me with joy to know that he is happy and to see the beautiful relationship he has built. I am new and so stand in awe of the magnificent love. However, in his haste to get things out of his mouth and find clarity within himself, he stumbles over his words and unbeknownst to him, they come out all wrong. I suddenly try to eradicate that little piece of my heart that was just implanted with love… but it won’t budge. My heart clenches, my chest aches, and my eyes struggle to hold back the tears in the dark. I lose touch with everything being said and have a vivid image of my heart bleeding all over this beautiful bedroom. He chatters on about general life without realizing I deeply need triage.
Love sucks! Yep, I said it, love is one of the most beautiful and terrible things we humans experience. I say this because although love in its purest form is true beauty, our humanness gets in the way. At the same time, love makes life worth living, in my humble opinion. Love keeps me going and in all its different expressions, it pushes me forward. Love comes in so many shapes and sizes and does not necessarily mean a state of romance. Love is simply an energy and feeling that is ever changing.
I was born with a deeply sensitive heart. You can’t tell me not to love someone! When you enter my life and moreover my inner circle, then I am going to love you. I see the beauty in people, and I can’t help but love their souls. Unfortunately/ fortunately, I can count 1…2… 3…4 people I ‘shouldn’t’ love but somehow my brain can’t convince my heart to build a wall. I love big, and I love deep. I love until it physically aches in my chest and my soul. Despite the initial plans for a relationship, I can’t help where this heart of mine wanders. I am like the ocean, and so, therefore, my heart flows in the same wild manner. I can tell myself a thousand times to not fall in love and block my heart off, as well as about the ramifications of unrequited love, and the eventual pain that comes with loving deeply, yet my love persists.
As much as I would love to say I live unattached… that’d be a big fat lie. If my soul sings around another person, then I become attached. Not attached in a sense I would hold someone. That is not love! If I love someone, then if the time comes to let them go, despite the pain I might feel, I love them enough to let them fly. I become attached in the manner of wanting to be in their presence, see their beauty, feel their joy, and be a support for their sorrow.
Love = Vulnerability
Vulnerability: The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
There is no way around vulnerability in love. To love is to be vulnerable and take the chance the other person in your life will treat that vulnerability with respect. There are no guarantees. Even in loving children, pets, careers, etc. we choose both the love and the pain. All relationships in their human form must end and so with that ending comes an inevitable degree of pain. Whether that pain be now or 50 years later, all true love will also bring a level of pain.
This pain may be someone purposely hurting you. It may be someone accidently hurting you because we are all humans with our own wounding. It may be losing a relationship for a variety of reasons, including death. However, the pain may be simply standing there naked in our own skin and having to deal with inner demons and being seen. We live in a world where we build walls not only between ourselves and other people, but also within ourselves.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
So, why do it?
Consequently, we can’t love if we are not vulnerable. We would cut off all positive feelings and energy in the relationship and then love in that relationship would no longer exist. We can’t hit those ecstatic states we dream about in love without taking the risk. As the above quotes explains, we can live cut off from the pain of love, but we won’t actually be living. The natural state of our souls is a state of love and so we would be cutting ourselves off from our own soul, which is unsustainable.
Love in all its forms gives us:
Love is complicated, and so there are no quick fix tips. There are many things you can do when you find yourself in love and a state of vulnerability. However, the best advice I can give is simply to breathe! Breathe through the pain, the vulnerability, and your Ego. Breathe while sitting in the glory and ache of it all! Share and process with those you trust. Allow yourself to feel the whole gamut of emotions! Then have gratitude because to feel, to love, to be vulnerable is to be alive. And to truly live is the best adventure!
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