It’s a Friday morning and I stumble down the stairs of my home for some coffee, meditation, and then exercise to start the day. As I wait by the coffee pot for that delicious liquid of the G*ds to fill my cup my spirit tells me I should look at my emails. I open them up to see one of the first messages in my inbox is from a client I had done a True Tantra session with the previous day. I immediately know from my gut before even reading that this client is struggling because the session had been emotionally intense. As I read my heart begins to break for this beautiful soul as he describes some intense body-image issues he was having during session that kept him from expressing his true orgasmic potential and then post-session. He describes a “fat monster” of a person that is disgusting and not worth anyone’s time/efforts. Although my immediate reaction is feeling sad because there is deep pain in his words and I see his inner light, I also know this is all a big load of Ego! At the end of the email he tells me what he thinks I was probably thinking during session and then MY ego begins to go off because I have anger he would presume to think that little of me to have some of these hateful thoughts towards his body. Though I then remember back years prior when I myself could not see past my own negative ideas of my body and the intense pain this caused me and also the preconceived notions I had about what others were “really thinking”. I breathe, drink some of my coffee, and have a moment of gratitude for his courage to share these things before emailing him back some journaling exercises and post-session support.
Unfortunately I get the above types of emails pretty frequently and yes I get them from both genders because despite the focus on female body-image in the U.S., men are just as messed up about their bodies as us women. Usually the thoughts present a bit differently where women usually concerned with weight, breast size, butt size, and the signs of aging; Men are more concerned with weight, muscle tone, and cock size. Negative body-image is not just an annoying Ego moment, negative body-image steals our joy and steals our sense of worthiness. And more than that it steals our connection to not only our own spirits but also our connection to others.
People usually come to a Tantric practitioner and/or Sex Coach looking for help in improving their sex but it is often that before someone can have mind-blowing amazing sexual moments that they first must learn to work through their blocks around their own bodies. One of these main blocks being body-image. Body-image is on a continuum and so you can have body-image that is amazing and you are truly in love with your body all the way down to not feeling worthy of being alive based on your physical body, and really everywhere in between. Most people’s body-image shifts slightly depending on your emotions, hormones, physical ailments, and stresses, but generally there is an overall consistency. Amazingly our body-image has very little to do with how we physically look and way more to do with how we are feeling emotionally and our perceptions of ourselves. Meaning that a person can’t absolutely love themselves at a core level and have atrocious body-image, if we hate our bodies we hate ourselves at some level.
So how does this all fit into sex?
When we are placing a negative viewpoint on our bodies throughout the day then we can not expect that viewpoint to automatically shift when we decide to have sex or even are trying to be sensual. So what ends of happening is we are in the middle of sex and instead of thinking of how amazing something is feeling we are thinking about how our stomachs are jiggling or if our boobs are sagging too much. We choose sexual positions that highlight our physical appearance instead of the ones that could send us over the edge orgasmically but may make our bodies look less than perfect. We get so caught up in our chattering mind and the other person’s perception of us that we miss out on the moment and deprive ourselves of having a deeper more expansive orgasm. This even goes down to the level of not letting our entire orgasm out for fear of making a strange face and not looking sexy.
Not only are we taking these direct thoughts into sex but also we are taking an overall negative view of our bodies into the bedroom and so consciously/unconsciously we move in a different manner, we approach sensations in our bodies differently and we interact with our partners in a different way. That is if we are even willing to go into the bedroom and have sex because if we aren’t feeling good in our bodies we are much less likely to want someone to touch us and then we feel touch deprived. These thoughts and attitudes become self-fulfilling prophecies because we think we are too “gross” and so send an energy out that pushes people away and so we in turn don’t get touched, which then validates that no one wants to touch us.
Not only are we ruining our sex in the bedroom but we are ruining our sexual energy for ourselves. When you are feeling HOT and amazing think of how you choose to dress and the attitude you walk around with in those moments. Most likely there is a confidence and sensuality in your movement because you’re not afraid to hold your head high and also to touch your own body and use it as the wonderful tool it was meant to be used as. You send out a beautiful confidence into the world and so people respond. Now think of the moments when you are feeling low in your body-image, you most likely are not interacting with your body in a sensual way, you’re probably less flirty, probably dressed a bit more conservative and less playful. And people also respond in kind to that as well.
Personally I’ve been on every end of this coin. Years ago I truly despised my body and thought that I would be better off dead than looking as disgusting as I thought I looked and felt. However now I live more in a place of loving my body and reveling in my body. That’s not to say I don’t have my “ick” days of wanting to wear sweatpants because we ALL have these little moments in our lives and guess what, the chances of me wanting to have hot orgasmic sex on those days is slim to none. I know this and so I give myself my moment of needing more physical contraction no matter if it’s because of hormones, feeling ill, or just having had a bad day but I don’t let it stay there! I either will naturally rebound back to positive body-image or take steps to move through the mental programs that have me feeling negative and take action to do things that get me back in tune with the beauty of my body.
The question remains though how to move to better body-image and thus more mind-blowing sex… here are some things that I always suggest clients do and I myself also engage in on those bad body-image days.
- Tune into your spirit to see what is really bothering you. The chances are that if you are continually down on your body then there are some mental programs that are playing in the back of your mind. Check in with what is happening in your mind and in your life that is creating this pattern. If you are having a problem pinpointing where it is coming from then find a coach, therapist, or trusted person that can assist in this process.
- Stop reading magazine/articles that focus on negatives of your body. Stop watching porn that gives you unrealistic expectations in bed and in life. And most importantly (particularly women) STOP having those conversations where you commisterate with friends/family about how much you hate your body. We tend to bond via body-shaming in this country and it will take both you and the other person into more body shame. Making positive life changes is one thing… body bashing is another!
- If you catch yourself having negative body thoughts during sex then redirect, redirect, redirect. Purposely focus in on sensation and your partner. If it continues then remind yourself that if you partner hated your body they wouldn’t be having sex with you. I know for most men when they have a naked woman in front of them the last thing they are thinking is if she has stretch marks and instead is thinking “Naked women, I’m going to get sex”. So try to make a conscious choice to let go of your Ego in these moments.
- Focus on the sensuality in your body all day long. Put lotion on your body and be mindful. Notice how nice the sun feels on your skin. Wear clothes that make you want to touch your own body and be present in your own body. When we are able to notice when our bodies feel good we learn to appreciate them more.
- Take the time each day to appreciate areas of your body! Everyone can find something to appreciate about their body and if you think you can’t then you probably need to focus first on having gratitude for having a functioning body. Also while having sex revel in the wonder your body is providing and be grateful that it can provide amazing feelings.
- Last and not least take care of your body like you love it! Even if you don’t love it in the moment feed it food that keeps it nourished, hydrate, allow it to be touched and worshipped, and make sure it’s getting plenty of movement. Yes, at first you may have to push yourself to do some of these things and they may not feel good in the moment but long term they will lead to a greater love and comfort in your own skin. All of these things also happen to be tips for a better sex life as well!
Reach out for more help with your body-image and sex at www.addisonbell.net