“I have this, ‘thing’ sexually”, he tells me over a nice dinner.
So, I inquired….
“Well what is your ‘thing’ then?”
Then he glances at the table for a millisecond and then straight into my eyes, “I get really turned on by kicking my subs with steel-toed boots while they are on the ground. I try to be careful not to break any ribs”.
While I can respectfully acknowledge this might be a turn on for some women
Long story story and I was a “FUCKITY FUCK NO”.
MAJOR boundary. Hard NO. Not interested.
How did I know this? My pussy screamed NO at him even speaking the words. It was one of those clear-cut moments where there is no grey line. I knew my limits and while I could respect his turn-on I was very clear where I stood on his desire.
But usually it’s no so clear cut when it comes to sex and desires. Oftentimes we don’t hear our genitals saying NO while our mouths numbly say yes.
Or we shut down our genitals exclamations of desire and turn on out of shame, guilt, or past programming.
In truth, most people often don’t take the time to slow down and have a connective moment with their genitals in order to see if they are a YES, a NO, or a MEH to a sexual situation.
I listen to my clients frequently share on how they are consistently giving in and giving away their own pleasures in the name of love or care for their partner.
Sex with a partner is about a beautiful giving and receiving energy. There is a dance that happens throughout. Now, while I would tell you to do what feels good for YOU in the bedroom…
Occasionally requests get made from us for things that we are a no too or that we may be a “meh” too.
If you are a no then honor yourself and your relationship by just setting that boundary and speaking your truth. If you continue to have sex when you are a no then you are the one raping yourself and destroying your relationship.
Though what about the “meh”?
When something isn’t a turn-on but it’s not necessarily a turn-off in the bedroom?
This is a major time of tuning into your body and figuring out what you want because ignoring your body can be dangerous territory leading to resentment, trauma, and disconnection.
Though if we are honest with self, most of the time we are not truly smack dab on the fence about things and can get a reading in one direction or the other.
Some would say that if it’s not 100% a turn-on in the bedroom then you shouldn’t be engaging in the sex at all.
I am never an advocate of someone raping themselves just to please a partner but at the same time there are moments when we can lean into a different types of turn-on.
The turn-on of the heart!
Unlike the above story, I’ve had times when partners have asked me to participate in sexual situations for their personal turn-on. Situations that didn’t make my pussy go, “yes, we have to do this! I’m so excited” but actually made me instead feel open from a heart space.
Experiences that were not a turn on of the pussy but were a turn on from the heart of getting to witness my partners joy and pleasure. A chance for me to give to my partner without hurting myself but still not from a massive sexual arousal space.
So when we are asked to engage in something from a state of “meh”…
Are you able to lean into a sexual request from a space of heart centeredness? Wanting to truly give and share love with a partner? Or are you leaning in out of guilt or shame? Are you simply people pleasing your partner or feeling pressured?
A low sexual turn on can still be a heart turn on!
But if this is happening consistently and you are finding yourself leaning into low sexual turn-ons in the bedroom then you have to check yourself!
This is where we give ourselves away and disconnect from out genitals. If “meh” sex is your norm then you are doing damage and trauma to your body. If you find yourself always leaning into your partners desires but never your own then you potentially are not communicating where you truly are on a “turn-on” or need to look at where you need to support your own boundaries.
The best way to combat this is by knowing yourself, which most choose to throw to the side in sex by not choosing to connect and inquiring with their genitals before any sexual exchange.
Leaning on only your brain and thus your ego to make your sexual decisions leads to a disconnection in your sex.
If you don’t know yourself sexually and stay present within your own desires and arousal there is no way to properly set your boundaries or even navigate the “meh” in a healthy manner.
If you want deeply orgasmic sex and to deepen your relationship then you first must connect with yourself. And you might be surprised what you discover when your brain isn’t always running the show and you allow for an honoring of self. You might just find a different type of turn on!
Recover Your Sex
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**Shout out!!! to Alexandro Noyola for this fun and playful photoshoot above. And to @fifidoll on Instagram for the hair and makeup.**