Motherf*cker I want my heart back!
It happened slowly…
Ever so slowly…
One knife, one word, one moment at a time
It closed off and blocked up.
The childlike wonder…
The unconditional joy…
The magical feelings…
The true innocence…
Slipping through the holes.
The innocence you don’t realize is there until it is gone. The magic and connection that is dynamic and normal until you look around you and it doesn’t feel the same. The childlike wonder that is instead filled with thoughts of responsibility and uncertainty.
The true beauty of the heart.
I still feel the magic…
I still feel the laughter and joy…
I still can get into a place of childlike wonder…
But it’s not the same.
It’s not the same as before…
Before you punched holes in all that was beautiful
Before you took what wasn’t offered
Before you purposely tore me down with those words you knew would hurt
Before you took your poison and inserted it into me.
Motherf*cker… I want my heart back!!!
I still love you from a soul level and always will…
I want what was within before you happened.
Before the earth stood still and it all came crashing down
You took my heart.
You wanted it to look like yours
You desired to see me hurt
Tried to teach lessons that were never yours to teach
You tore something good apart.
Just because it was different
Just because you didn’t understand
Just because of the inner struggle
And now I want my heart back motherf*cker!
And I want it back the way it was… not this transformed heart. Not this heart that had to learn these lessons. Not this heart that has been stitched up and glued.
And yet this is the heart I’m left with.
A heart to feed, and heal, and expand…
And continue to throughout my years block and unblock…
Cut open and then stitch back together.
Because the truth is…
Our hearts never can stay stagnant.
They were meant to break.
The reality is that
I allowed you to steal my innocence
I allowed you to break the magic
I allowed you to break down my childlike outlook
I allowed you to get in my head and stifle the laughter/joy
Motherf*cker, I stole my own heart…
And there is no going back.
I allowed the blocking and I can allow the unblocking
I can open and receive the love I send out to others.
I can bust open the damn that was put in place
And you can too!
We all have war-torn hearts…
There is nobody that gets out of the world without one
And I daresay they make us more interesting
Yes, it changes us
They go through cycles
Like the seasons…
Open and expansive
Then slowly dimming
Then blooming once again
But you have to allow the cycle
Whether that cycle be minutes, days, or years
Because our hearts all get torn but it is our growth and responsibility to keep clearing.
Keep opening little by little
Keep patching it up.
So go take your heart back!
Go reclaim it
Don’t Fake it. Claim it!
Love you my beautiful tribe!
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