I have a great expansion of gratitude that rises in my chest from our time together. Whether it was a few years or a few short hours.
A swelling of love for the person I thought you to be and the person I thought me to be. The people we were to each other at that moment.
An ever-growing awareness at the beautiful lessons both heart-wrenching and playful. Divine and depthless. Traumatizing and Soul Opening.
Each and every one plays across my heart and mind.
Every man has left his sting. Yes, every man.
Though Each man has gifted me a lesson and changed me forevermore.
Each etched a mark… a sort of fingerprint on my mind and body. I can tell you how each one touched me. What each one was good at and where each one opened the door to my inner turmoil.
As I pass through each man and think back with a sad but loving nostalgia. I think how, ME, the woman of today would have done things so differently and yet…
If given a true opportunity I wouldn’t change a thing!
Then I would have missed…
The moments that were beautiful and blissful that only a short time later turned sour and sinister.
The moments that felt like my sex was being conquered and used.
The moments where I’ve felt unworthy of the reverence in a man’s eyes as he calls me a Goddess
The moments of deepest pleasure for me
The moments of deepest pleasure for him
And moments of divine unity.
The playful and the scarring.
Each and every relationship shared a lesson and that lesson has created the person I am today.
And I mean in the entirety … the awakening and the shutdown. The places where I feel guarded and blocked and the places that I jump into with exuberance.
They are my light work and my shadow work
I give them credit for showing me that my sex is beautiful and ever-expanding. That there are pleasures still yet to be tapped into and that each person brings a different kind of spark to even the same situation.
I give a few of them credit in teaching me that love does not mean commitment and that you can just enjoy a moment. That someone can not be yours and still share a life-impacting moment.
I give a few of them credit for my strength and resilience as I had to pick up my own broken pieces, fix my body physically, and deal with the fallout.
I love each and every one of them.
I love them because the’ve shown me more of myself. They have made me fall in love with my younger self and all the naivete. They have made me fall in love with my own passion and desire. They have made me fall in love with even the woman that has at times armoured.
They bring a smile as they flash through…
I think to a lover whose smile could light up still today but that had a primal hunger that would flick through
I think about a love whose confidence could move mountains and could shake my sexual world
I think about a lover with an insecurity and a fear that kept a deepening but the sweet nature that went with it
I think about a lover and the way he shook with energy and the deep adoration as he called me a Goddess
I think of the calming voice and whisper of a lover as he gently walked me through scary lands
They each came bearing a gift.
And no matter the outcome… I would be remiss to toss the beautiful offerings away.
Our lovers and our relationships in general show us ourselves. They are our mirrors to the good and the not so good within us all.
We call these people into our lives and choose them in order for us to grow.
It can be easy to step into our ego’s of old relationships. Stepping into finger-pointing and not seeing where we called that person in at that time. Learning and seeing the lessons. Knowing that certain relationships come in at different times to grow us and teach us.
I can look at all the men and see the patterns in my own thoughts and also my own growth. I can see where my confidence was low and where it was high. I can see where I was not loving self and thus it came out in the form of another human being.
So today, I look to my lovers, and say THANK YOU!
Thank you for loving me, for teaching me, for expanding me!
Thank you for making me a better person!
Love, Light, & Blessings,
Addison
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Photo credit to Photography in Wonderland
