I’m in bed with one of my lovers and we have been having some fun and playful sex. Not taking anything too seriously and just enjoying each others presence. I am riding fun orgasmic waves as the peaks just keep coming. I finally beg for a break from my own intense pleasure.
So we decide to switch positions in order for him to have the most sensation and to give me a break from my own peaks. This moment is all about him, I hear his grunts and his groans, and I love hearing his pleasure, it fills my heart up and turns up the heat of my own arousal.

He leans forward and whispers a fantasy and I try to play along. Then my brain begins to not just wander but to analyze. Am I angling my hips the best way for his pleasure? What was that sound my body just made? Is my butt jiggling too much in this position? He is closing his eyes, is he thinking about me or someone else? If he is thinking about someone else is it a hot fantasy? I’m being super quiet, am I restricting my pleasure?
All of a sudden he apologizes a second time for taking so long and I say to him , “Stop overthinking, you’re just cutting off your own pleasure”. I then mentally smack myself upside the head for being a hypocrite.
This moment happened many years ago but it has stuck with me. It has stuck with me because that evening I learned a multitude of lessons that really has shaped my sex. All really beautiful and at a level this man in 2-3 sexing sessions left me sexually spoiled for other men.
Once you’ve tasted amazing sex… you will always crave it!
But the lesson of this particular story is…
Our brains kill our pleasure in sex!
As I was allowing him to explore his pleasure I know that I was still experiencing waves of energy. I was however so stuck in my head that in that moment there was very little pleasure happening.
When we get into our thoughts, worries, and fears during sexing then we are totally disconnecting from the actual energy of the moment. We disconnect from the smallest moments of sensation, turn-on, and opening. We won’t be able to guide our partner and most definitely will not be able to truly FEEL our partners.
It is so often I hear from men and women in my coaching practice that sex simply lacks sensation. Hence why they find themselves relying on all these tricks to up their turn-on and simply “get off”.
Our presence… which is the opposite of overthinking…
is REQUIRED for truly amazing sex.
When a woman can’t physically feel you as a man… a likely culprit is that your consciousness is NOT in your genitals. Not truly placing your focused intent on all the sensation surrounding you.
When as a man he can’t feel us ladies… our consciousness is also very possibly not in our genitals. We are focused on the insecurities, the thoughts, or simply not used to connecting with this treasure trove of expansive pleasure in this way.
In an effort to have the best sex both sexes will get too much into thinking about the sex. Trying to alter the sex. Instead of dropping into the sex and enjoying the pure sensation which will lead the way.
If something feels good… lean into that.
If you desire something… ask for it.
Don’t over anaylze or over question.
Communication is amazing and needed in the bedroom. If there is no communication then you are missing moments of increasing the energy and learning of your partner.
But once we get too much into the thinking process we begin killing the O!
If you find yourself in analysis paralysis in the bedroom…
Set the intent to focus in on one aspect of sensation and simply follow that. Just like a meditation practice…
You will stray but if you continue to pull yourself back then you will find the straying becomes less and less overall.
Also, if you find yourself continuing to have insecurities in the bedroom then look at journaling out what is happening or talking with someone that can help you sort the inevitable feelings and blocks we all can develop around our sexing through time!
Sex is to be enjoyed… So get out of your head…
Come make a MASSIVE impact on your own life this FALL.
Fill out an application to work with me for 1:1 Coaching
Phone, Video or In-Person
Don’t end your decade on the downturn
Make those changes you’ve been meaning to make today.
Reach out to me at www.addisonbell.net/consult