“Why can’t I orgasm? Why can’t I have beautiful, soul-expanding orgasms? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I’m just broken!”

I sit there in my office chair listening, and I sigh in sadness. I remember being right here, in this place years ago, like the gorgeous woman sitting across from me. I remember thinking that I was broken and incapable of having sexual pleasure. I remember beating myself up for not being able to reach that elusive amazing O! What I remember more than that is the bitter taste of hatred in every word that I spoke about myself out loud or in my head. Little did I know that right there was the key that opens up the world of orgasm, pleasure, love, and beauty to us all; and despite explaining this to not only this particular woman but many clients. They will struggle to see it and will continue to strive to see it until they take steps to truly begin to love themselves, accept both the dark and the light, and work through the faulty belief systems that impact their lives.

I know, I know, another article about the importance of “loving yourself.” We see these daily on social media feeds, online newspapers, picture quotes, and even in the occasional commercial. The problem being that we often don’t really see the true danger of the lack of self-love until it begins to eat away at our lives. Many people also walk around masking their lack of self-love with food, alcohol, material possessions, internet, etc., and they are unconscious of the level of negative thoughts that really are present throughout their day. Though one area people don’t expect to have to face these ugly demons are in the office of a Sex & Relationship Coach and Tantric Practitioner. Even though one can’t heal their sex without healing themselves at a deeper level, one can’t truly step into real tantra without looking at both the shadow and the light.

People don’t think about the severe damage that lack of self-love does to a person’s sex life. There are many ways that our sex lives are impacted when we lack love towards ourselves. To the point that this could be a whole book, here are some of the most common things I have found:

Not Believing You Are Worth It

When people have low self-esteem, then they also have a hard time getting into a headspace where they are able to receive pleasure and do not believe in their core that they are worth… The sex. The pleasure. The time. The orgasm! If we don’t believe we are truly worth it, then we end up pushing our partners away, hurrying them up, or simply not able to be physically and emotionally be receptive to pleasure. How often have you hurried a partner up when they were trying to tease or pleasure you because you saw your own pleasure as a waste of time or taking too long? How often have you had a negative thought about your body while having sex?

When we do not believe we are worth the pleasure, then we send the message to others that we are not worth it. Why should our partners believe we are worth the time if we don’t? We end up blocking much-needed connection and intimacy, as well as also not giving our brains, bodies, and spirits the necessary permission to enter into pleasure.

Healing Tip: Notice where you are not allowing pleasure in your daily life and subtly or overtly stating that you are not worth it. Begin forcing yourself to do things that are pleasurable, even if you don’t believe you are worth the time, attention, focus, etc.

Not Asking For What You Want

People who don’t love themselves, and so thus don’t love their sex because we can’t love ourselves and hate our sexual selves, don’t tend to ask for what they need in the bedroom. I will often talk to both women and men, and they explain that they are having difficulties reaching simple climax or reaching higher levels of orgasm, but yet are not strong enough within themselves to ask their partner for what they need in the bedroom to give themselves more of a chance. So, for a woman, she may be having short, quick clitoral orgasms, but she is not reaching the multiple orgasm point where she is having not only clitoral orgasms, but also cervical, g-spot, energetic, blended, and MORE! When really all she would have to do to get to that point would be to love herself enough to ask her partner to spend a bit more time on warming up her body or exploring different types of touch. When inquiring deeper into people’s sexual issues, it is pretty common that people don’t have the self-love enough to ask for what they need. It goes back to a lack of worthiness and thus not taking time to communicate. Also, when we aren’t truly speaking out the truth, we are shutting down pieces of our energy and the connection with our partners.

Healing Tip: Start small by asking for little changes in your daily life and the bedroom. Continue to remind yourself that asking for your needs is a way of validating and loving yourself, no matter what our partner’s response is to the asking/sharing, continue to focus on your self-love of asking.

Believe You Are Broken

When you believe you are inherently broken in some way, this seeps out into every area of your life, including your sex. This is a total victim mode of the person that doesn’t love themselves because it can become a quick, easy way to exclude themselves from pleasure and even in couples to excuse themselves from sex altogether. Though, at times, it can be that moment when you are in the middle of sex when for one reason or another you are not able to drop into orgasmic states; however, once you have proclaimed this, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy not only for that event but often for future sexual moments as well. The second we state, “I’m broken” or “I can’t,” then we claim that thing into our psyches. So when we say we ‘can’t orgasm,” then this is exactly what we create more of in our lives. Broken people don’t have orgasmic sex. This goes for people who think they are broken, even just in emotional terms due to diagnoses, trauma, and belief systems. Honestly, trauma is one that I hear repeatedly for reasons why people can’t have amazing sex, and although trauma can be life-altering and requires a healing process, I know for a fact based not only just on off clients but also off my own experiences that you can have amazing, mind-blowing sex after trauma. So the continual thought processes of being “broken” is the real thing potentially holding you back.

Healing Tip: Start catching any thoughts of “brokenness,” “not good enough,” or “can’t.” Once you have noticed these thoughts, then start to replace them with the opposite thought or more positive thought. (E.g., “I am learning to open myself up to multiple orgasms” versus “I can’t orgasm”)

Unwilling to be Playful

Amazing sex requires play. People who truly love themselves are able to be authentically playful. People who don’t like themselves struggle with this authentic play because they are in their heads worried about what others will think, and even their own self-judgments. When we love ourselves, we feel a level of freedom to explore in a very playful non-judgmental manner. When someone lives their lives in a state of self-loathing, then it is hard to bring the playful element of sexual exploration into the bedroom, and this takes away not only from the joy and pleasure of the moment for that person, but also for the sexual partner. This lack of play and authenticity leads to sexing from the mind, which does not work in relaxing the body to a receptive orgasmic state. Play is difficult in our “adult” world, but imperative to enjoyable sexual moments. While also one of the key differences between people who truly love themselves and those that are just pretending. Where are you possibly letting your lack of self-love steal your play and authenticity?

Healing Key: Take time every day to be playful and grow the non-judgmental aspect of yourself in order to build greater self-love. This doesn’t have to be focused solely on sex, but really play in our lives as a whole, which will lead to more play in the bedroom.

Bad Body-Image Kills Sex

First off, if you don’t love your body, then you don’t love yourself. Our bodies are an extension of ourselves and how we experience the world. It’s common that when we are not loving our bodies and thus ourselves that it highly impacts our desire to have sex, be sensual, and can greatly get in the way of any intimate moments when we are having sex with our partners. When our minds are on how we look during a sexual situation, then we are in our heads and not being entirely present in our bodies. This cuts down on the ability to truly feel and notice all of the yummy sensations our bodies provide. As humans, we cannot cut ourselves off from our bodies or send negative messages to our bodies and then expect them to provide us with the pleasure we desire. When working with couples, I teach people to treat and love on their partners’ whole selves because our minds, our energy, our spirits, and our bodies are all linked, and this link is especially true when we begin talking about sex. The more negative thoughts about our bodies that we have, the less they are going to respond and the more cut off we create. Also, the more we focus on our negative qualities of ourselves with our partners, the more we are actually building these negatives into their minds as well. And let’s face it, it’s not sexy to have sex with someone that hates their body. One of the sexiest things to see in a partner is them moving, touching, and being fully loving and integrated into their own bodies because this loving energy makes them immediately sexier.

Healing Key:

Touch yourself with love and focus on the gorgeous sensations your body provides you. Take time to notice and appreciate how beautiful the body you have been given is because all bodies are a creation of beauty. Complement your body daily and take time to tune in and connect only with positive thoughts.

Self-love is not an overnight process, and for many of us, it is a lifelong learning and relearning. But if we desire beautiful sexual moments, then we need to begin to heal these elements. This will not only improve your sex life, but will also improve your entire life. Practice some of the above healing keys and begin to move to a next level you in 2018!