In my experience, when you begin talking with people about their sex lives they usually lower their voices and will begin whispering when discussing their desire/turn-ons. This reaction speaks volumes about our over-sexualized yet still shameful culture and how we deal with sex and sexuality.
Although people often will whisper their desires and turn-ons, it is always fascinating that the more shameful or taboo desires tend to often be the ones that create the highest level of sexual energy in the body. These desires are those you think but you never dare speak, the desires that you hold in the back of your mind and hope no one else find out.
So yes, there are people who are whispering… “ I really like it when my man is rubbing my clit during penetration” or “It is so hot when she grabs my ass when she is sucking on me.” However, they shame or fear they experience while admitting it is almost palpable in a human being when they begin talking about those things that turn them on. You see their skin start glowing, the voice starts cracking, and the whole energy around them changes. Some of these turn-ons could be:
– I like being spanked or whipped
– I enjoy dominating my partner OR being submissive
– I consider myself heterosexual but enjoy same sex energy at times
– I really want to try a threesome
– I like/want to try anal sex
– I like my hair pulled
– I enjoy bondage
– I fantasize about gang-bang/ rape
– It’s a turn-on when he/she uses hot wax, ice, or peppermint on my body
– I like squirting
Now, to some people the above may not be not a big deal, but to many people, these desires are shamefully the things that fuel their fantasies and masturbation sessions, though they are never spoken out loud. So although these ideas are creating a furnace of desire, we tamp them down and engage in “okay” sex and/or beat ourselves up for these thoughts that light us up with desire. So in order to not feel shame we have the same old boring sex again and again due to an inability to own our desires. As a side note this often contributes to extramarital affairs where we can satisfy the above desires without feeling so shameful or find a partner who is willing to explore fantasy in the bedroom.
Not so long ago I found myself in this very predicament of shaming one of my turn-ons. I had been doing some sexual exploration and one night found myself in the middle of a steamy sexual encounter. During this experience, I found myself incredibly turned on to the point that I could barely breathe. The person I was playing with began doing things that literally took my breath away but at the same time made my heart pang with anxiety. I am very non-judgmental when it comes to others’ fantasies, sexual orientation, likes/dislike, etc. However, like many people I sometimes unconsciously have a different set of rules when it comes to myself. I had never played this way prior, and part of me did not WANT to be enjoying what was happening, because in my true Virgo spirit I worried about what it would “mean.” I was truly enjoying myself, no one was getting hurt, and everyone was consenting, but my shame came barreling in afterwards to dampen the experience. Thankfully, I was able to recognize the reaction afterwards and have since been able to drop down into my body and simply enjoy similar encounters.
So what makes us deny these aspects of ourselves that could bring us so much pleasure? The answer is fear!
There are many aspects of fear that play into the denial of desires. We worry about what others in our lives will think of us and how our partners will react. Will he/she leave, freak out, or think negatively of the desires? Also, we fear having to face ourselves and the inner judgments we hold, even if unconsciously. With certain elements we can even fear the act itself due to past history. An example of this might be having a desire for bondage but also having a fear concerning it being too close to a past sexual assault.
Along with fear comes shame! This involves a general belief that you as a person are bad based upon thoughts or actions. If we are convinced that having sex, enjoying sex, or exploring sex makes us a bad/lesser/sinful person then we are not going to own those desires and will often bury pieces of our sexual energy as we deny these desires. The shame comes from the fear that was often instilled in us at some point in our lives through religion, parents, society, etc.
So how do we begin enjoying ALL things that turn us on and give us that heart pounding thrill?
1. Find acceptance in yourself! – Outside of the noise of others’ opinions and biases, what do you think about the desire? What keeps you from allowing yourself to indulge in this particular turn-on? Explore the biases you may have and where they come from. Acknowledge where your ego may be coming into play.
2. Take time to really accept yourself as a sexual being in general. Take action to honor the feelings in your body without shame by simply being with your sensations. If we can’t accept our sexuality as a whole we are not going to be able to manage the new desires that emerge. Are you willing to really be in the full intensity of your desire, or are you creating a pleasure ceiling for yourself? Do you trust yourself enough to go there?
3. Say it out loud- Find a friend or someone you can get really honest with and talk about it. When I am having fear about stepping into a new fantasy or with a new turn on it is often helpful to have a listening ear and second opinion. It’s even better if you can talk about it with a sexual partner. Truth is if someone judges you for your sexual desires then they have a lot of work to do on themselves. We don’t have to understand someone’s turn-on to be respectful!
4. Safety- if the problem is fear due to past sexual experiences, then find a way you can explore in a safe manner. This can be easily remedied by making sure you find a safe partner and set up boundaries and safe words. You can also start slowly. If you have a fantasy about bondage then start out with tying your hands and not necessarily jumping straight into your arm and legs being tied and having a gag ball in your mouth. This approach promises a greater chance at success and an enjoyable experience.
5. Just stop! I know, way easier said than done, but there comes a time when you can no longer ponder, theorize, or pull part every element of a desire. The truth is you may never know why something turns you on as opposed to something else. Judging yourself for your desires isn’t doing you any good. Sometimes the only thing to do is let go, drop into the sensation, and accept that this is simply what you want in the moment!
Have fun, ladies and gentlemen, playing in your desires, fantasies, and with your entire sexual being!
If you are interested in body-work or sexuality coaching feel free to reach out to me at firstname.lastname@example.org or www.addisonbell.net/contact