Affair Recovery VIP Day

 

Affairs are nasty.

Both parties hurt, feel shame, fear and anger.

Fingers are pointed. Names are called and the relationship feel’s lost.

But, what if it did not have to be this way?

What if you could move forward together and access deeper levels of intimacy and learn better communication and strategies to heal and prevent affairs from wrecking havoc in your love life?

Would you be willing to explore the possibilities?

During Affair Recovery VIP Day you will get to dive deep into an intensive experience of healing and recovery.

Our Goals will be:

 GOAL 1: Individual Healing –
Understanding Personal Healing and Sorting through Emotional Problems

The first section is all about you.

” When people are affected by infidelity, their first instincts are to look for reasons that the affairs happened. They want to know the details of the affairs. They want to know why their loved ones did what they did. They want to know if they will ever be able to trust their partners again.

This is what I call “externalizing.” Externalizing means that people are looking outside of themselves for answers to emotional issues that are happening within them. When you first start working on your relationship after an affair, the first thing you need to do is look within yourself.”  – ( Dr. Savannah Ellis Infidelity Recovery Coach, Author, & Educator)

 

GOAL 2: Healing As a Couple –
Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues

After you do some work on your own reactions to this difficult experience, you will start to look more closely at the way you and your partner function as a couple.

COMMUNICATION.

This is a critical component in your healing process. After infidelity, communication becomes incredibly strained. But if you don’t communicate, you can never heal and you can never build your relationship into something that is beautiful and rewarding. Communication is the key to every good relationship.

We will also examine the seven critical dimensions to a good relationship.

GOAL 3: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship –
Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New, Trust-filled Partnership

Once you learn how to talk to one another again, learn how to renegotiate your relationship.

This VIP Day can be a stand alone recovery day to get you off to the right start to healing or it can be a perfect introduction to my intensive coaching program for couples where you can do deeper work and keep yourselves on pace for success. It can also be a fantastic refresher for those who have gone through the coaching program.

It will require time, focus and commitment to self and each other.

 

But isn’t saving your relationship worth that investment?

Kendal, what if I am no longer with the partner that cheated on me or me on them? Or what if I am single or my partner cannot or is unwilling to attend? Should I still come?

Great Questions! Yes you should come. This VIP day will help you to break old patterns and release pain and anger from old relationships so that you can fully enjoy a new relationship with your new partner without the old baggage creeping in causing issues that are not really there.

If for any reason, your current partner cannot make the workshop or does not want, know that the skills that you will learn in this day will benefit the healing and transformation of your relationship allowing you to access levels of communication, trust and love that you could not before.

ONLY $249 Per Couple

Open to Single’s As Well – If Your in a relationship and want to heal but your partner cannot make the class or is currently not interested but your looking for tools. You are welcome to join! – $179/single’s

CLICK HERE TO SIGN-UP

 

How I Lost 25lbs and Gained Sexual Empowerment Through Tantra

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From the time I was 10 years-old until I was in my twenties, I fought a bloody battle with my own body, which manifested as anorexia and bulimia. I spent 15 years in what can only be described as a hell of my own body but more than anything, a place where I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was blessed, however, to get help and eventually fully recover. I learned to come to a place of peace with my body and formed an essence of neutrality. I no longer put effort into trying to lose weight because I knew this was a slippery slop to relapse. Through the years of recovery it became apparent that I needed to work on my past sexual trauma that was keeping me stuck in not only a war against my body but in many areas of my life, especially my sexuality. I would later learn that most individuals with eating disorders also have some difficulties with their sexuality in some form or fashion. I went to therapy religiously and pushed myself to open up internal boxes that I had bolted shut. The deeper I dug the more disgusted I found for my sexuality and the more my body shut down physically.

I found myself fully recovered from my eating disorder but still struggling with my body in terms of my sexuality, and simply talking about it wasn’t fixing the physical problems that had developed. No matter how many times I sat in therapy sessions my therapist wasn’t able to help me make penetration hurt any less, nor was my doctor even able to help for that matter. Nor were they able to take away the extreme panic, the flashbacks, or the nausea I would have when a date became more sensual. So, I decided it was time to seek out another way to work through my problems surrounding sexuality. I had heard about practitioners that did hands on work and so I began Googling until I came across what would later become my Tantric Sex Coach. It took almost a year before I actually met her and agreed to do the work that was necessary for my own healing.

When I began seeing her I was completely frozen in my body, had very little body awareness, reported zero sexual desire, and although I was not overweight I held an extra 25lbs on my petite frame as a protective shield. I exercised and ate a generally balanced diet, and at the time I was at what clinicians called my “ideal body weight.” Session after session I dug into my beliefs surrounding sex, my desires, and my body and began peeling away layers of distorted beliefs. Then we began moving on to more experiential tantric sessions where I began discovering an energy in my body that I had never noticed. I began feeling the beginnings of arousal and desire and started to feel my entire body for the first time since I was a child. My physical body began to relax through tantric practices of breathing, relaxing, and being mindful of my “Kundalini” (sexual) energy.

The first time I had sex after beginning to study and integrate Tantra, I found that I was able to relax enough that I wasn’t screaming in pain, whereas in the months prior, inserting a tampon was painful. The other thing I began noticing, was that as I peeled away negative belief systems through the experiential processes, my body began unfolding as well. All of a sudden my waist began to become more slender, my hips took on a different curve, and my face went from being rounded to thin and elongated. I was in my late twenties but my body started changing in ways that I can only compare to puberty!

From my years of working in mental health, my degree in psychology, and training in Bioenergetics I knew that oftentimes our physical bodies are representations of the lives we have lived. (For more information see “The Body Keeps Score”). This mental knowledge began to play out right in front of me when I looked in the mirror, and it took me by surprise.

As I stated earlier, I did not believe in dieting and I was not attempting to lose weight but clothes that were once tight became loose and then began falling off . The more Tantra got me in touch with my body the more I was able to tune in and listen to what it desired in regards to food and exercise. I was able to savor every morsel of chocolate instead of eating a whole candy bar and not enjoying its taste. I was able to crave fruits and vegetables and the energy they provided my body. I did not eat them just because they were “healthy.” I ate fruits and vegetables because they were what my body wanted. The feelings I had of disgust at my body and sexuality, that used to induce nausea, was no longer present.

I began enjoying the movements of my body more, because for once, I felt really good and was literally not lugging around pounds of trauma. Sex was fun and lasted longer and longer because I was enjoying the dance and movement of the intimacy. I began having orgasms that shook my whole body for hours. I would leave one of my lovers, and my stomach muscles would still be rippling from the energy of the previous sex session. I would awake the next morning feeling like I had spent 2 hours at the gym. For the first time in my life I would walk, dance, or engage in other movements just because it brought me pleasure.

I began to love my body more for whatever it looked like through the practice of tantra. Tantra translates as “weave” and this is what I started to do with my sexuality and my body. A big piece of tantra is learning to honor, and one of the things we honor is the inner “God/Goddess” in everyone. So I began taping into that divinity of my own spirit. I developed new belief systems surrounding why I was here on this earth and in this physical body. I found a beauty within that made me want to take care of my myself as a whole. I started to understand that our thoughts manifest our world; for example, if you focus on being “fat,” that is exactly what your reality becomes.

I find it amazing that, as soon as I truly “let myself go” my body took on the shape that I had literally almost killed myself for only years prior! With the help of Tantra I have found a fun and orgasmic sex life but also a true connection with my body.

Now as a Sex/Relationship Coach & Tantric Practitioner, I feel blessed to be able to help people gain the same benefits that I had received when I got into Tantra. I revel in the changes I see physically and energetically in clients as they begin to do this work. It is extraordinary to see people release things that have clung to their spirits like mud. I feel incredibly honored to be able to walk through pain, tears, shame, nightmares and joy with my clients the way that some outstanding people have done for me.

So although I will NEVER give dieting advice, here is a review of some elements that you can include in your life to help you find a body and life closer to what you desire:

  • Stop focusing on your weight in a negative way! The more you focus on how unhappy you are with your body the more you will tell the Universe that this is the body you want. If you think you’re fat you will be fat! Instead focus on aspects about your life and body that you enjoy.
  • Become more mindful of your body in diet and exercise. When you are eating, make sure you are focusing more on the taste of the food and the energy it gives off. When you are exercising, focus on how your body is enjoying the movement. Don’t deprive your body from foods that it really wants. If you want chocolate, then eat it – but eat it mindfully.
  • Have more SEX! There are many health benefits of good sex, but one of them is weight loss and toning. This will only work if you are having deep, connective sex, otherwise you will not be releasing the correct chemicals into your brain, and your orgasms won’t be deep enough to give you the full benefit. This goes for men and women.
  • Start working with a Tantric practitioner to release stored traumas from your body. When we are carrying around negative energy we are simply not able to live our best lives. Studies have shown that we can also physically carry these traumas through fat stores, cancers and other physical representations.

Reach out to Addison Bell, Sex & Relationship Coach and Tantric Practitioner, TODAY to find help in creating a better life and body for yourself!

www.addisonbell.net/contact

Become Tied Up & Twisted In Your Dreamgirl

 

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Photos taken by -Photography In Wonderland

If you know me, then you know I adore music and have different artists for every mood. Music inspires my body and soul, and today, I am in a very soulful mood. I lie here in the grass on a beautiful spring day as the sun shines through my strawberry blonde hair and onto my pale white skin. Then my music library shuffles to Dave Matthews Band and the song “Dreamgirl” begins my turn-on, and then continues with “Crash Into Me.” Both of which make my soul sing with desire and orgasmic energy. It feels very fitting for this divine moment. I start singing along and thinking about how EVERY woman should have at least one man, if not more, in her life that looks at her this way. I close my eyes and dream of one of my lovers sitting next to me and staring at me with a mischievous boyish grin of desire and hope. Taking in not only the sun reflecting off of my body, but also looking deep into my soul to see all the beautiful little messy parts of me that he adores. It brings a beautiful smile to my face. I start to dream of my “Dream-man” where we continually and playfully ‘crash’ together! Chasing after one another in an animalistic playful way that is also sensual, where we are eating each other up, and can’t get enough at that moment.

Every woman should be looked at with this intense love and passion! Every woman should be considered a divine forest of intricacies that is to be discovered and devoured. Where they are viewed as some beautiful work of art that frequently hear how they turn their man on physically and emotionally. Every woman should hear how their man gets “tied up and twisted’ when thinking about their woman’s body. Where they are being chased by their man and are viewed as the most amazing dream where a man continually wants to dive deeper and deeper into her body and soul, and also where she sees all this intense desire in his eyes when he looks at her.

I meet with so many women that hate themselves and all the little imperfections that create their divine uniqueness. As a woman myself, I get it and can’t say that I love every single aspect of myself every moment of the day, but as women, we should feel like our lovers are reveling in all those little pieces. I am all for women learning to love and embrace themselves, and so this does not take the responsibility off of the woman for loving herself, but a divine masculine has the ability to show his Goddess even deeper levels of her own divinity.

In order to reach those depths of divinity, however, she needs someone to “hold” her and not just physically, but also emotionally hold space for her to open. This means beautiful orgasmic moments along with moments of tears, laughter, and if she’s anything like me, sometimes a great big mixture of the two at once. It will be like watching the most beautiful volcano erupt over and over again the deeper you take her. However, this requires a man to be in his divine masculine energy where she can fully trust and allow herself to go to these beautiful depths. When a woman is in this place, you can see the energy radiating off of her being, and her beauty seems to be increased tenfold. She is sending out love and openness into the world and bringing you right along with her on the journey.

Many men talk about wishing their woman was more playful, but you may need to help her drop into that playfulness. Women on a primal level were made to be chased, and men were meant to be our pursuers. Men should be looking at their woman like she is the most divine prize to be won over and over again, and should be tapping into their most primal instincts as men. Every time you have sex with a woman, you should be discovering her like it’s the very first time because, honestly, you have never truly had sex with this version of her before. Women are constantly changing and never the same and so explore her, devour her, hold her so close that she can surrender to not only you but herself.

Throughout daily life, I often hear comments about how we should not be “objectifying” women. I totally agree that women are people to be appreciated for more than their bodies. However, with these messages, I feel, as a society, we have turned into a place where men feel wrong or perverse for appreciating, complimenting, or being aroused by the feminine form. This is a grave misfortune because the female form is divine and is meant to be honored and appreciated.

I want to hear how a man finds pleasure in the curve of my breast or the sway of my hips. Just as much as I savor when a lover tells me that he enjoys my youthful spirit and how my eyes portray my caring heart. All of these things make up me in my divine feminine and, ultimately, who I am as a whole person… physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Compliments may be difficult for a woman based upon learned programming, but a woman in tune with herself will revel in these statements. The key is to complement a woman just for the pure pleasure of sharing your pleasure with her and not in order to simply convince her to engage in sexual play. Goddesses are meant to be worshipped just for the pure fact that they are each uniquely and divinely beautiful and in turn, a Goddess who feels worshipped will worship her god!

CALL TO MEN

Play with her; arouse her body and her mind. Fuck her wide open physically and emotionally and watch her become your Dreamgirl. Chase her! Connect to your masculine so she can connect to her feminine. Allow yourself to get unabashedly lost in your thoughts of her mind and body. Tell her how you love her and all the beauty you see deep within her. And allow her to wrap you up in the playful chains of her divine energy. Never get complacent and take her divinity for granted. Continue to hunt to learn every little inch of her and then start all over again to rediscover her day-in and day-out.

CALL TO WOMEN

Don’t settle for anything else than being ravished. Learn to let him in and drop your masculine walls that have been built up through trauma and toil. See yourself as a Dreamgirl, and he will begin to see you that way too. Play with daydreams in your head, listen to music that set you on fire, and explore each and every part of your own body and soul. Allow yourself to surrender into divine moments of bliss. Let him worship you!

 

Need help learning to own your Divine Masculine/Feminine? Help on how to arouse her fully and completely? Or find ways to ‘spice’ things up in the bedroom? Reach out to www.addisonbell.net/contact to work with me TODAY!

Musical Inspiration:

“Dreamgirl”- Dave Matthews Band

“Crash Into Me”- Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds

Hideous Situation Of Love

b5d277a59f8e5390355cc641d238103dI sit there talking to this man and I find a little corner of my heart making space for love towards this man. We chat about a recent date of his, and I laugh with him about his slyness with coming up with amazing adventures. I love hearing about one of his lovers, specifically because it fills me with joy to know that he is happy and to see the beautiful relationship he has built. I am new and so stand in awe of the magnificent love. However, in his haste to get things out of his mouth and find clarity within himself, he stumbles over his words and unbeknownst to him, they come out all wrong. I suddenly try to eradicate that little piece of my heart that was just implanted with love… but it won’t budge. My heart clenches, my chest aches, and my eyes struggle to hold back the tears in the dark. I lose touch with everything being said and have a vivid image of my heart bleeding all over this beautiful bedroom. He chatters on about general life without realizing I deeply need triage.

Love sucks! Yep, I said it, love is one of the most beautiful and terrible things we humans experience. I say this because although love in its purest form is true beauty, our humanness gets in the way. At the same time, love makes life worth living, in my humble opinion. Love keeps me going and in all its different expressions, it pushes me forward. Love comes in so many shapes and sizes and does not necessarily mean a state of romance. Love is simply an energy and feeling that is ever changing.

I was born with a deeply sensitive heart. You can’t tell me not to love someone! When you enter my life and moreover my inner circle, then I am going to love you. I see the beauty in people, and I can’t help but love their souls. Unfortunately/ fortunately, I can count 1…2… 3…4 people I ‘shouldn’t’ love but somehow my brain can’t convince my heart to build a wall. I love big, and I love deep. I love until it physically aches in my chest and my soul. Despite the initial plans for a relationship, I can’t help where this heart of mine wanders. I am like the ocean, and so, therefore, my heart flows in the same wild manner. I can tell myself a thousand times to not fall in love and block my heart off, as well as about the ramifications of unrequited love, and the eventual pain that comes with loving deeply, yet my love persists.

As much as I would love to say I live unattached… that’d be a big fat lie. If my soul sings around another person, then I become attached. Not attached in a sense I would hold someone. That is not love! If I love someone, then if the time comes to let them go, despite the pain I might feel, I love them enough to let them fly. I become attached in the manner of wanting to be in their presence, see their beauty, feel their joy, and be a support for their sorrow.

Love = Vulnerability

Definition:

Vulnerability: The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

There is no way around vulnerability in love. To love is to be vulnerable and take the chance the other person in your life will treat that vulnerability with respect. There are no guarantees. Even in loving children, pets, careers, etc. we choose both the love and the pain. All relationships in their human form must end and so with that ending comes an inevitable degree of pain. Whether that pain be now or 50 years later, all true love will also bring a level of pain.

This pain may be someone purposely hurting you. It may be someone accidently hurting you because we are all humans with our own wounding. It may be losing a relationship for a variety of reasons, including death. However, the pain may be simply standing there naked in our own skin and having to deal with inner demons and being seen. We live in a world where we build walls not only between ourselves and other people, but also within ourselves.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
― C.S. LewisThe Four Loves
So, why do it?

Consequently, we can’t love if we are not vulnerable. We would cut off all positive feelings and energy in the relationship and then love in that relationship would no longer exist. We can’t hit those ecstatic states we dream about in love without taking the risk. As the above quotes explains, we can live cut off from the pain of love, but we won’t actually be living. The natural state of our souls is a state of love and so we would be cutting ourselves off from our own soul, which is unsustainable.

Love in all its forms gives us:

  • Motivation/Drive
  • Passion
  • Connection
  • Meaning/Purpose
  • Joy

Love is complicated, and so there are no quick fix tips. There are many things you can do when you find yourself in love and a state of vulnerability. However, the best advice I can give is simply to breathe! Breathe through the pain, the vulnerability, and your Ego. Breathe while sitting in the glory and ache of it all! Share and process with those you trust. Allow yourself to feel the whole gamut of emotions! Then have gratitude because to feel, to love, to be vulnerable is to be alive. And to truly live is the best adventure!

For Help with your love life… Reach out TODAY! www.addisonbell.net

Letting Men Lead

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Scenario 1: We have just come out from an extraordinary concert that has my heart dancing from the beautiful music. As we walk down the sidewalk, he grasps my shoulders and pushes me to the right, and I get jokingly scolded as he explains that he needs to be between me and traffic. In this moment, he wants to be my protector.

 Scenario 2: I patiently sit and wait for him to come around to my side of the car and open the door. I have to take a second to breathe past my conditioning of doing things for myself and just allow. He opens the door, I place my hand in his, and he gives me a gentle kiss before guiding me to our destination as I thank him for his thoughtfulness.

 Scenario 3: We are lying on the couch and just chatting as he shows me some interesting pictures and videos on social media. The conversation turns slightly sexy, and there is definitely a sexual tension in the room, but I feel frozen and am not making any moves. Then he suddenly stands up, grasps my hand, says he wants me, and pulls me up the stairs to his bedroom where we have an evening of play.

Three different men, three different scenarios. What is similar is that in each scenario the man was leading and fully in the masculine. None of the men were pushy or aggressive; they instead were confident and self-assured in their actions. Each made a firm gesture, but I still had the choice at that moment to accept or deny. In scenario three, that lover would never have dragged me up the stairs without consent, but instead, he knew what he wanted and was direct in his approach, and his directness made me want it more. Often, when people think of the masculine they think of someone who is more aggressive, but in truth that is not what is behind the masculine. A true masculine man doesn’t have to be pushy and is in touch with his own feminine energy enough to be able to recognize when he needs to hold space for his woman. However, he does not live from his feminine energy.

Instead, he is focused and knows what he wants or at least is on a mission to find out. He owns when he has made a mistake and owns his emotional state. But at the end of the day, he is steady! This is what women that are fully in their balanced feminine energy want and need: a strong but steady masculine.

As a friend of mine says that women are like the ocean, all over the place but beautifully creative in their natural state, whereas men are like arrows, knowing exactly where they are headed and with fierce determination. This is why women are so connected physically to the earth and the moon. We flow in a variety of ways when we are truly allowing. Now both sexes, male and female, need some of the other to balance, but too much of the opposite and relationships and physical and emotional health begin to suffer.

WOMEN:

I can already hear all my feminist women out there cringing at the above words!

I spent a big part of my younger years in staunch feminist mode, but the truth is I was missing a part of me. I was missing my core and guiding energy because I was too much in my masculine of “work, do, focus” when I was needing more flow and creativity to fill my spirit. This lack of flow was eating me alive, and I see it eating many of my female clients alive as well. Their hormones are out of whack. They are on handfuls of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, are fighting with their partners, and are physically drained of all energy. They are simple shells of what they were meant to be. Stepping back into your feminine does not take away from your rights or worth as a female. Instead, it makes you stand fully in your power as a female in your natural state. It is you not changing yourself to better fit in with the masculine but instead being your beautiful feminine self and embracing it!

Allowing a man to lead is not always easy. It takes pushing against our societal conditioning that says we should not “need” help from anyone else and should be independent. The truth is I do not NEED a man to open my door for me. I have two perfectly fine hands that know just how to open a door, but I WANT my lovers to take the time to honor me with these little gestures. Like in Scenario 2, sometimes it takes me actively breathing into these moments and learning to receive fully if I’m entirely truthful (something that I’m continually working on). However, in return for receiving these little gifts of honoring from my men, I also try to take the time to honor them as well and let them know they are appreciated. We learn from each other, and every time I am with them, they teach me a little bit more about myself and my femininity.

MEN:

MAN UP!

I know that sounds really harsh, but let me explain. I am not saying become aggressive or cut yourself off from your emotions. Instead, I am saying to step into confidence and step into the energy of leading. Show your woman that she matters to you and that you are there to support her, not by being one of her girl friends, (hopefully she already has some of those) but instead by being her stable and grounding force. By stepping into your masculine, you allow your partner the safety to let go and become that sexy feminine force you fantasize about. You want a woman fully orgasmic and participating in amazing, mind-blowing sex? Then be the stable point that allows her to get out of her head and submit to her desires. This also will help you maintain your health as well because with too much feminine energy, a man’s libido drops and his physical and emotional health decreases. When a man stands fully in his masculine, he begins to have more success at work, dating, and relationships, gets more accomplished during the day, and has a higher sex drive.

In Scenario 3, I talk about a lover literally leading me to bed, not forcing me but simply leading with a small tug and a sly smile. A few months after this event, I had an experience where a lover was NOT leading, and so I was both trying to be in my masculine “plotting and planning” while also getting into my feminine and dropping into my body to allow my orgasmic energy. What happened was many missteps and hurt feelings. He was not leading, and I was too much in my own masculine energy. We could have had many moments of mind-blowing sex but instead ended up unfulfilled and feeling unbalanced in the relationship. The night could have been entirely different if he had stepped into his masculine, had been more direct and steady, and had used that drop of feminine energy to tune into the fact that I was having an internal process and needed him to lead. The same goes if I had been fully in my feminine, listened to my desires, and then used that drop of masculine energy to approach what my feminine was wanting.

This does not mean women do not need to take responsibility for their own pleasure and desires. I actually think the contrary. It’s important that the man does not always feel he is pushing the woman to have sex and is always the initiator. Women are taught not to ask for what we want, and so stepping fully into our sexuality and fear of asking for what we want is vital to our growth. So for example in Scenario 3, I should have stepped into my desire in that moment and owned how I was feeling turned on.

This also does not mean that a man shouldn’t be in the receptive mode either; it simply means in daily comings and goings the man should be in his masculine and the female in her feminine to make a harmonious balance.

WOMEN—Learn to drop into your feminine and receive while taking responsibility for your sexing.

MEN—Lead and hold space for your woman so you can teach each other. Learn to find your stability for your life in your masculine.

LEARN MORE TODAY ABOUT HOW TO STEP INTO YOUR MASCULINE/FEMININE ENERGY www.addisonbell.net/contact

See Me! : The Importance of Feeling Seen In Relationship

I am wearing a sleek black dress, high heel shoes, a pretty garter belt, and stockings. There are no plans of having sex tonight but I did want to feel sexy in my own skin. Most of all, I wanted him to think I looked beautiful. When I walk into the room, I want his jaw to fall open and for him to have a dozen fantasies cross his mind. Throughout the night, I tease with playful statements. Nothing. Nada! He doesn’t see me sitting in this car, wearing my heart on my sleeve, and wanting to be acknowledged. Really, for him to see that I am hurting and that a smile or hug from him could fix a world of hurt. I am craving to be seen in this moment! The more I am ignored, the more my Ego begins to make up stories about what he is thinking. I don’t verbalize it but mentally I scream… “SEE ME!”

The word intimacy can be broken down into “in-to-me-see” because, really, in any type of relationship that is what we are craving at the core. As humans, we want to be seen and acknowledged. As female humans, I dare to say that we crave this even more. I hear all the time from female friends, clients, and family members the statement, “He just doesn’t see me…” From a feminine perspective, when we feel our lovers are not seeing us, it can cut right to our hearts. This not only impacts our heart but also our minds, which, with enough time and lack of attention, will seep into not only other areas of the relationship but many areas of our lives. When a woman isn’t feeling seen, then she is going to have a more difficult time orgasming or even getting turned on enough to have sex. She is going to begin to emotionally armor up which eventually leads to the huge energy blocks I work with daily in my practice. Also, she may begin to find people in her life to make her feel seen and wanted. This is when a woman begins putting her friends and other lovers before her primary man… or begins an affair. Women not being acknowledged by the people closest to them are likely to carry these feelings into their daily life and interactions, wearing down on their self-esteem and overall connection to themselves.

I dare say that it also hurts men when they believe they are putting effort into a relationship to hear the above words. Yes, some men may not be putting in the effort and aren’t trying to please their women but that is a whole different article… the “He’s Just Not Into You” article. The problem is that most men want to connect with their partners and do not want this chasm in the relationship. Oftentimes, they are clueless that there is even a problem in the first place. They want their partner to have orgasmic sex, be confident, and have free-flowing energy because in the end, they benefit from each of these areas.

Really, the burden falls on both parties in these moments. As women, we often believe that our lovers should just know. They should put together all the physical and emotional signals. They should energetically notice that something is off. Men are often shocked when their women blow up on them and tell them they never appreciate them or worse, find them in the midst of an affair and have no reason why she felt she had to find another man. Then they may finally wake up and realize they are not putting the necessary effort into the relationship.

Men: It is easy to get lost in the daily grind of problems and stresses. It is important to take time out frequently to appreciate your lover and to do something special with them. This does not mean it has to be an overly expensive evening but just some time when you are not distracted by work, television, or kids, to really focus in on each other and connect. Also, women, as a general rule, tend to need people to listen more often than solve problems. SO it is always a good rule of thumb to ask what your woman needs in the moment, like “Honey, do you need me to listen or do you need me to help you figure out a solution?” As a man, it is important for you to learn to stand in your masculine, but be attentive enough to recognize when your partner is struggling. This requires really tuning into your own intuition and asking questions if you feel something is off. Ignoring these signals and hoping things will go away will only make things worse in these situations.

Women: Men are not mind readers and, as a general rule, not as connected to their emotions. It is easy to take one little negative interaction and then begin to attribute other actions in the same negative light. This is when it is important to check your Ego and look at the facts. This does not mean you must invalidate your emotions but simply get a little space to observe the situation. Men usually communicate in a more direct fashion than females and so if you are feeling hurt or want something more from your man, it is important to directly ask for your needs. Communicating your needs directly is you taking responsibility for your own happiness and desires. Your man is not responsible for “just knowing.” If an interaction bothers you, then state that it hurt your feelings in the moment instead of internalizing it will keep these feelings from festering. Also, make sure you are taking time to “see” your man and all he does for you and validate his efforts. If his efforts are never being validated, then he will give up trying as well.

Reach out to me TODAY for information on how to help bridge the chasm in your current relationship! Check out my Bodywork and Coaching sessions at www.addisonbell.net/contact

The Connection of Oral Sex!


There is nothing like the feeling of having my lover deep inside my throat, though I have found, to my surprise, that many women despise orally pleasuring their man.

Often women see this act as a major turn-off or a chore, and engage in it only as a sense of obligation when they want their own oral sex and so will simply deal with it.
I love how I start to tease my lover’s cock with my tongue and then slowly and lightly start to take him into my mouth. The tender but hardened tip rubbing on the back of my throat, my tongue sliding over the tender spot right below the head, and the pulsating in my pussy as I take him just beyond my gag reflex. Hearing his moans and having him run his hands through my hair as I hit all the right spots.
There is nothing like looking up into my lover’s eyes while he is deep into my throat, and to see the passion and vulnerability all in one glance. It’s truly one of the best moments in sex for me.
However, it’s not just hot, but also a spiritual moment for me. This is when I feel connected to my lover as I look into his eyes and see all his barriers vanish and the glow of orgasmic energy radiating from him.
My favorite position to perform oral sex is when I’m on my knees in front of my lover. I find this position both incredibly powerful since I can see my partner’s reaction, and also incredibly humbling as I take in the beauty of the situation. Some would say that this position and this act are demoralizing and take away my power, when, truthfully, these are the moments I feel most powerful and have the most control.
At any point, I have the ability to change speed, stroke, or simply stop. No one is forcing me to engage in this act, I love and revel in this experience.
However, this has not always been the case in my life. I remember the first time I was asked by a boyfriend to give him oral sex; I was disgusted by the thought. I remember being so scared of him ejaculating in my mouth that I was literally shaking. I’ll admit that I ended up throwing up on my boyfriend at the time because honestly, neither of us knew what we were doing.
Also, being the good girl that I was, I had preconceived notions from society about how “good girls didn’t do that.” Well, society was flat wrong! The problem is, many women remain in that state of disgust or are simply ashamed of enjoying performing oral sex well into their adulthood.
Beyond simply enjoying giving oral sex, there are actually many proven benefits to this act.
The power of semen
Semen is almost pure protein, and has the amazing ability to nourish skin, teeth, and hair. The elements of semen act like an astringent and can help clear up skin conditions. Forget all those expensive facial products, ladies!
More benefits of semen
Semen has been shown, in multiple studies, to have natural mood-altering and anti-depressant properties. This is due to semen having the hormone oxytocin, which acts to elevate mood and cortisol, which in turn increases affection. Also, it has trace elements of melatonin, which is a natural sleep-inducing agent. Altogether, they create a non-drug-induced boost of feel-good.
Works muscles
Using your mouth to give your man oral sex will increase the health of your facial muscles, which will decrease fatty tissues, sagging skin, and overall blood flow to your face. This will leave you with glowing skin and a nice toned face that can look years younger.
Helps with lubrication
As women, our vaginas are connected to many other areas of our bodies, and one of these areas is our mouth. When we are engaged with our mouth during sex, this increases arousal and lubrication to make penetrative sex more enjoyable for the woman. So as you are increasing your lover’s arousal, you are also stimulating your own system.
Breathing
Oral sex forces you to use deep belly-breathing, which is a benefit to your own sexual energy. When we are engaging in shallow breathing, it can lead to shallow orgasms and arousal. When giving oral sex, you are no longer able to breathe through your mouth, and so are more likely to engage in diaphragmatic breathing. This will increase your sexual energy flow throughout your body.
These are just a few of the benefits of this type of sex for women, but there are many health benefits for the male too, including, but not limited to, increased sensation, decreased prostate cancers, decreased blood pressure, and many more.
So how do we go from Yuck to Yum?
* Engage in oral sex for your pleasure. As long as you are not causing your partner unwanted pain, have fun with the act. Play with it and do what feels good to your mouth and body. The more fun you allow yourself to have, the more enjoyable it will be for your partner in the end. Slow down and go at the speed that works best for you.
Also, if you are only doing it out of a sense of duty, then your partner is going to feel the difference and you will be creating inauthenticity in the relationship.
* Talk with your partner or to a sex coach about any shame regarding this sexual act. Many women hold old belief systems around what is and is not okay to do in the bedroom. The best way to get past these shame triggers is simply to be vulnerable and talk about them.
Tell your partner what you like and what you don’t like. If you enjoy having your hair pulled while you are doing it, then ask. If you don’t want him to touch you, then ask. If you prefer him lying down instead of standing, then ask. If you don’t want him to cum in your mouth or want him to cum somewhere specific, then ask. Set your boundaries with your man in order to make it pleasurable for both of you.
Most men will be happy to oblige with your desires in this area.
Article posted on Rebelle Society