From the time I was 10 years-old until I was in my twenties, I fought a bloody battle with my own body, which manifested as anorexia and bulimia. I spent 15 years in what can only be described as a hell of my own body but more than anything, a place where I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was blessed, however, to get help and eventually fully recover. I learned to come to a place of peace with my body and formed an essence of neutrality. I no longer put effort into trying to lose weight because I knew this was a slippery slop to relapse. Through the years of recovery it became apparent that I needed to work on my past sexual trauma that was keeping me stuck in not only a war against my body but in many areas of my life, especially my sexuality. I would later learn that most individuals with eating disorders also have some difficulties with their sexuality in some form or fashion. I went to therapy religiously and pushed myself to open up internal boxes that I had bolted shut. The deeper I dug the more disgusted I found for my sexuality and the more my body shut down physically.
I sit there talking to this man and I find a little corner of my heart making space for love towards this man. We chat about a recent date of his, and I laugh with him about his slyness with coming up with amazing adventures. I love hearing about one of his lovers, specifically because it fills me with joy to know that he is happy and to see the beautiful relationship he has built. I am new and so stand in awe of the magnificent love. However, in his haste to get things out of his mouth and find clarity within himself, he stumbles over his words and unbeknownst to him, they come out all wrong. I suddenly try to eradicate that little piece of my heart that was just implanted with love… but it won’t budge. My heart clenches, my chest aches, and my eyes struggle to hold back the tears in the dark. I lose touch with everything being said and have a vivid image of my heart bleeding all over this beautiful bedroom. He chatters on about general life without realizing I deeply need triage.
The phone falls from my hand after I read the text that rips my heart apart and brings my Ego to the forefront. A lover just dropped a major bomb in my life and I feel frozen. Then I crumble like a million pieces of sand on the floor of my living room as a stream of tears floods my face. I feel both “too much” and “not enough” in this moment and simply want to die… THANK YOU!
I love doing a good bodywork session. I find the process beautiful and spiritual as I see my clients grow and relax into their own divine natures. Although I love all my bodywork sessions, I have a special place in my heart for those sessions where I get to share the energy with a fellow Tantric Goddess!
I recently had the opportunity to do some joint sessions with my colleague and mentor, Kendal Williams. There is an amazing energy that is created in a Double Goddess session where two women are able to create a truly memorable experience for their God. Each session is different in the way the session progresses, the depth of the session, and the energy that culminates. The beauty of these sessions is that just like unique gems each Tantric Goddess brings a different and special personal energy into the session. It’s even more special when those two Goddesses have a prior connection and so are able to synchronize their movements and add complimentary energy. Here is a short peek into one of these sessions that I hold so dear in my heart…
I have spent the last two weeks in a pile of books. I have read books on sex, on Tantra, on advanced energy techniques, on the human body, on spirit, etc. Honestly, my brain feels like it’s going to explode!
The thing that struck me as I read all of these different books is that everything all came down to simply softening into the Universe. If you want better sex then you have to soften, otherwise you will be unable to connect and experience. If you choose not to soften then you will cut off portions of your experiences, and then you will truly miss out. If you want to feel your energy and/or help others move energy the key is not to grip your mind or clench onto the energy – otherwise you will lose that fragile connection. Instead you are supposed to soften into it. These same concepts apply to spirit, tantric techniques, and dare I say life.