The energy that was building in my genitals was volcanic.
It felt like if I kept going that I was going to melt with the intensity. And yet at the same time, it was all I wanted.
I wanted to melt. To let go. To meld entirely with this sensation.
I knew I needed it on a physical and energetic level.
This energy had been trapped for so long and was waiting for the tiniest of cracks.
It wasn’t that I needed a climax. It wasn’t that I needed even plain old orgasmic energy. I’ve had that. I know that.
It was THIS energy that was next level intense.
An energy that I had tamped down years prior after getting a taste of its juiciness.
And it left me hungry. It left me ravenous for more each and every time. But through toil and trauma. I closed it down and locked it up.
Wanting to go back and retrieve it many times since…
But I had done too good of a job closing it down.
Cooling down the molten lava that is my sex.
But not just sex….
Because being a sex educator and tantric practitioner…
I know better.
When I or you close down our sex we are closing down our life force energy.
We close down full creativity.
We close down passion and drive for more.
We close down such beauty within us and a required energy to feed us.
Hence why so many walk around looking half-starved of any vibrancy in their lives.
But here I was trying to find my way back to that potent depth of energy. Orgasm and climax can be fun and filling but I knew what I REQUIRED was behind that volcanic energy.
And so I laid there and I felt it.
OMG, did I feel it!
It was so hot and fiery that is physically felt like I was going to burn to a crisp.
I could feel myself coming right up to the edge.
Breathing into the intensity.
Knowing that once this cracked…
There would be a fault line crack in many areas.
Though I also stood (or technically lie) there looking at the fear of it all. The fear of jumping into that pool.
Fear of facing the negative energy along with the positive.
Fear of opening to the level of vulnerability in my sexing that had left scars in the past.
Fear of being at that level of desire and expansion.
Yes, the expansion coach sat in fear of her own expansion! The sex coach was scared of her sex.
Sex that doesn’t drop you further and further into scary vulnerable at a soul level places, in my opinion, just isn’t good enough for me. It isn’t worth it consistently.
Though this lava that was spreading across my pelvis, down my legs, and into my belly was intense. I breathed in and tried to relax in. My mind knew that I was ALMOST there. That I had cleared and cleared the hurts, and trauma to the point that only an onion skin was still present between.
And at that moment. I came up to the skin of the volcanic lava. I could feel the heat and intensity. It showed me my level of resistance to this next level of sexing. It showed me my fear.
And yet… I didn’t crack it open.
I left it there.
I didn’t grasp at it.
Knowing grasping only takes us further from depth.
I left the energy there. Felt as it cooled. Felt as it flowed away with the emotions. Felt as it drew back with the energy that is just what is required.
Knowing I was ready to continue to drop in at that skin between the volcano level… again and again until it cracks. Until I am overtaken once again with it’s beauty and fire.
Knowing that while opening can happen in moments…
Sometimes you have to lean in and let it unfold.
Seeing it. Allowing it. Tasting it.
But just simply continuing to breathe into it.
Why share such a moment with you my tribe today?
We like to think of orgasm as a finite destination. We think, that once we have experienced a level of our sexing that it will always remain open. But in truth, our sexing is always ebbing and flowing.
For everyone, but especially women, our stresses and traumas greatly impact our level of our sexing. It’s not about the mechanics. It’s not about the climax.
It’s about the level of vulnerability, for a million different reasons, that we are willing to open up too. It’s about the level of vibration we are simply holding in our bodies. It is also about the level of cleaning we have done in body and mind from past traumas, hurts, and hangups.
Our sex is a depth we can never fully explore. We are always opening and discovering new places.
Sometimes we are able to go deep and sometimes we are just exploring the surface!
The importance is to just keep exploring!
Stop Faking it & Star Claiming it!
Blessings,
Addison
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