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I lay there on the table in front of the crowd, and I can hear the small whispers as I settle into my positioning. I feel the whispered breeze the air conditioner is creating above me that sends a shiver down my spine and listen to the pitter patter my heart is giving off. I take a deep inhale as I prepare my mind and body to enter the realm of orgasm. I have a hard time quieting my mind at this moment because for the last few weeks, I’ve had a significant amount of stress that has been greatly impacting my orgasm, and all these eyes are watching me are wanting to see orgasmic energy. There is an expectant energy oozing from the crowd of smiling faces.
I take another deep inhale and work to drop into my body and allow the sensations to do what they will. I let go of any expectations I have of myself and my pussy to perform a certain way. Throughout the workshop, I am able to relax into the sensations and experience clitoral orgasm, skin orgasm, G-spot orgasm, and last but not least, emotional orgasm. I am laughing and crying and letting the multitude of emotions roll over me in front of the crowd. I leave feeling blessed and with a deeper level of healing.
Several times, I have been asked to model for a colleague’s Female Orgasm Workshop. In the workshop, my body is a learning tool for people who wish to learn about the female body and orgasm. I am, in a way, a human educational sex toy for a few hours. Many people wonder why on Earth I would agree to take my clothes off for a crowd of people and be touched. Several people have made comments such as, “You must really love your body,” “You must be really confident,” or “You’re a sex coach, so I bet that’s easy for you!” Well, all of those assumptions are wrong. Yes, I am at peace with my body, but that does not mean that I don’t have any insecurities or that it’s easy to show it off to a group of fully clothed individuals. I am confident in my personal reasons why I choose to be a model for the workshop, but, again, this does not mean that nerves are not present, and being a sex coach has nothing to do with it being any easier. Actually, in a way, it makes it hard for me because as a sex coach, I want to be able to show that I practice what I preach in regards to dropping into my orgasmic energy.
So if it’s a challenging experience, then why do it?
Growth! I do it because each time I get on the table in this manner or for a personal session with another practitioner, I learn something new about myself and grow in unexpected ways. I learn to overcome fear and insecurity, to breathe into my being, and to see my shadow and my light. I meet myself wholly on the table.
Last time I did the workshop, I learned to accept my orgasm and all it is in its totality. This means the awkward “O” face, the micro-convulsions, my nakedness, my pleasure, and my ravenous orgasmic hunger. This time I learned a greater acceptance of myself as a woman—a woman who sometimes is highly orgasmic and ravenous in her sex, and a woman who, at other times, is healing emotions and finding ways to drop back into her body and, thus, her sex. I was reminded to accept my pussy for whatever mood she is in and not to have unrealistic expectations. I am reminded that healing is something that must happen again and again, and none are pardoned from the need to heal continually.
Another reason I do the workshops is that I enjoy seeing the learning and helping men, women, and couples have more orgasmic lives. In our society, porn is so often used as a learning tool, which creates unrealistic expectations about the female body and orgasm. It often creates more confusion and shame. It gives me great internal satisfaction to show genuine and authentic orgasm in whatever way it comes at that moment. No matter whether I am extremely orgasmic or orgasmically dead, I never fake it, so I get the gift of practicing my own authenticity. It is a rare event that a man gets direct feedback about speed, pressure, and positioning and a rare time when a woman gets to experience another woman modeling using her voice in sexual moments. This time, I warned the room mid-workshop that I might start crying because I could feel the bubbling of emotion attached to my orgasmic energy. Instead of holding this back, I let it flow, which I know was startling for some men, but it prepped them to be able to hold space better in future moments with their women.
I love giving people a chance to feel a true female body that is far from beauty standards but is beautiful in its curves and imperfections. I do it because I get to see my own personal growth throughout the years from someone who would not even wear a low cut shirt to being totally naked in front of a room full of people. I get to see all the little areas I still need to work on or might have to revisit.
So it is easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes. My continued growth is worth every nervous heartbeat. I love getting to be an education sex toy!
Some say they find themselves on their yoga mat. I find myself on the massage table!