Recently I was digging through some of my old college papers and came across a project I had completed for Psychology of Sexuality course years prior. I literally started rolling around on the floor laughing as I looked through this particular project because of the absurdity of some of the statements I made regarding sex, desire, and topics such as cybersex, pornography, and BDSM. In the paper, I talked about how I did not believe that I needed or wanted sex. I explained that I felt like sex was a great thing to do if you wanted to have kids or find a quick method to relieve stress. I claimed I thought that a man calling a woman a whore, slut, or bitch during sex was demoralizing and never appropriate and that it was not something I could ever consider a turn-on in my life. And years later I have to laugh when I think that all of the above are things that I thoroughly enjoy in my life. Sexting can be fun and playful. Porn can add a lot of spice to a boring night. And sometimes it’s nice to have my lovers get a little rougher during sex in the midst of a safe and trusting relationship.
The truth is, however, that while I did spend some time convulsing in manic laughter, I then stopped, got very quiet, and felt a sadness rise up in the middle of my chest. The sadness was for that younger version of me who struggled to accept her body, her sexuality, her desires, and even the simple pleasures of life outside of sex. Then I became incredibly aware of the little leftover cords that are occasionally still attached to these old ways of thinking. Sometimes we are required to continue to go back and detach from long held belief systems when they reappear.
I see these same thoughts, patterns, and programs running in the minds of my clients, my friends, my colleagues, and my family. I look around and see so many women who are unable to own their sexuality. As women we are natural caretakers and often times people pleasers. This often leads to us pushing our desires and needs aside, and eventually we develop an inability to recognize we have desires. Instead we walk around feeling irritable and unfulfilled in our lives yet we are unable to really pinpoint the cause of this emptiness. We often will leave our natural feminine energy of flow and replace it with a masculine energy of focus…. And then we are left entirely unbalanced!
I am blessed to have a couple of different friend groups who have different ways of thinking and have a tendency to tap into different sources of energies. One of these friend groups I lovingly call my “Junior Leaguers” (I swear it’s a term of endearment!). These are my friends who I have had for years and are as vanilla and straight laced as they come. A while back I was having a conversation with two of my best friends from this group and was sharing some of the new ways in which I had been exploring my sexuality. I watched their jaws slowly drop as I explained Orgasmic Meditation and how I was strongly considering a Non-Monogamous relationship. Thankfully, they love me and so they shared they were proud of me for wanting to grow and explore; although they did not see the appeal, they thought that I should live the life I was called to live.
However, they then began talking about how they hated sex. How they only engage in sex when their husbands beg and plead with them. They spoke about faking orgasms, faking headaches, faking being asleep, and also not spending any time with themselves masturbating. One of the women even discussed how her husband had recently gone online and purchased a box full of adult toys for both himself and for her in an attempt to spark their intimacy. In response, she laughed and said he was just insatiable and should go play with himself.
In my experience when woman are truly in connection with their sexuality they are often the ones that are insatiable! Women are biologically built for multiple orgasms and to have longer periods of sex. Without all our blocks, hang-ups, and shame we really are built to “go for hours.” A turned on woman is HOT! She takes the world by storm not just in the bedroom but also in her daily activities throughout her day. She owns it when her pussy is screaming for attention, when she needs to be fucked deeply, and when her heart needs to be held, and she also owns when she is out of balance and her sexual energy is off. She is the woman who asks for her partner to help with her fantasies, she is the woman who jumps into a new career that excites her soul, she is the woman who can be submissive but know that she is doing so for her own pleasure, and she is the woman who can sit in Starbucks writing this article with her pussy thrumming and a smile on her face as people look at her computer screen!
So if you are a woman how do you own your sexuality?
Honestly there is no one way! I can say that it is going to be a daily decision until it becomes second nature. Here are some suggestions to start you on the road:
Tantric Session– You will get to experience how your whole body is erotic. You have the ability to focus on you and only you. Sometimes it’s hard to find our sexual energy when we have to worry about a partner. These sessions are all about YOU! Check out my session offerings at: (Tantra Sessions for Men & Women)
Use your Voice– This is effective in a variety of areas. Begin by sharing your opinion and your preference on a daily level. Then take that into the bedroom. If you want your partner to go down on you then ask for it. If you want to try a new fantasy then share it. The truth is that our partners can’t know what we need if we don’t share. Also, don’t hold back on those moans and gasps during sex because these allow for our sexual energy to flow up through our bodies instead of getting blocked in our systems.
Stand Tall, Flirt, and Smile– A great way to begin owning our sexuality is simply to start standing in our own confidence. Make a conscious effort to keep your head up, smile at people, and put a little swagger in your step. Smile and flirt with the people around you. A little laugh, eye contact, and a smile will not hurt anyone…even if you are in a monogamous relationship! This is simply living in your playful feminine.
Tune Into Your Body– Feel the way your hips sway, how your breasts lightly rub against your t-shirt, how your pussy is expanding with arousal, and how that energy is radiating up through your body.
A Message to The Men:
In case you didn’t already know…women are complicated creatures! One day we might need one type of touch and the next day we need something completely different. Listen to her. Okay, I am going to say it again. LISTEN!
If a woman is learning to step into her sexuality, it is going to take practice and also it is most likely going to be an emotional journey. Be there and support your woman. Make sure you are taking the time to kiss her, touch her, talk to her, and above all tell her how much you enjoy her. Make her feel special to you. This is how to get a woman to drop down into her body. Yes, some women enjoy “being taken” but this also requires prep work and an ability to pre-heat the oven in other ways.
Also, if the woman in your life is not wanting sex or you’re noticing a shift in energy level in your sex then talk about it. Ask her if she needs anything else from your encounters and be open to hearing feedback – and most importantly keep your ego out of the conversation!
Don’t spend another day not owning your sexuality! Contact me for a Tantric session or Coaching. Sessions fill up quickly, so secure your time slot now and change your life.