I currently sit here writing this at 3 months pregnant as a single mom by choice (SMBC). Instead of finding a man to make a baby with, I chose a sperm donor from a very beautiful online catalog.
Though I didn’t always intend to be a SMBC. What I really wanted was a man that I fell madly in love with and we could conceive a child together. A man that would be my partner in every sense of the word and yet, after years of dating and meeting some really amazing guys, I’ve not found my Mr. Right.
Though I found myself almost 37yrs old with diminishing chances of having my own biological child. I spoke to friends, to family, and thought long and hard about my options before settling on a sperm donor.
I found out I was pregnant the day after Roe v. Wade was overturned and had this powerful call to stand for women’s sexual and bodily rights. However, the more that I went into this process of becoming a SMBC and since I’ve been pregnant I’ve realized that we also have an issue with men’s sexual rights.
Let me explain…
When I shared with people my plans to use a sperm donor almost every single person talked about how I’m pretty and could easily find a man. I was told to find some random man, get pregnant and never let him know, I mean it would be cheaper! I was told to date a man I liked and tell him I was on the pill when in reality the only pill I was taking was fertility meds. I was also told to go hurry up and find a man and settle, even if he wasn’t the right guy in the long-term.
And the more and more people, men including, talked about simply using a guy to get what I wanted, the sadder I became. What about the rights of these men? Yes, they would all have the right to not have sex with me and would have the right to use protection but at the end of the day it would be me making a choice for them and their lives against their consent.
The fact is that if I had gotten pregnant and then walked away without telling him then I would be taking away the chance for him to have any connection to a child he created, something I as a woman I don’t have to worry about since the baby is inside of me and I can’t be unaware of it’s presence.
If I had tricked someone into getting me pregnant then that man would be on the hook for a potentially unwanted child for the remainder of his life. He would be stuck with child support or custody, despite his wants and desires for his future.
And the last option of getting into a long-term relationship just for a child, sounds like a whole lot of pain, drama, and trauma for not just myself and that man but also for that child.
Now, pregnancy happens! And sometimes it’s not the intended scenario or with the person we desire it to be, but that is much different then the belief that it is okay to wrap another person’s life up just because a child is desired. It takes away another person’s rights, particularly when hard lies are included.
When I thought all of this through, my heart really aches because while we are out their fighting in this country right now for women’s rights, there is still an abundance of this mindset that men don’t deserve any consideration when it comes to pregnancy and their sexual right to know.
While I am a firm advocate for women’s rights and ability to choose, I have to wonder how we can also give men rights in this department. If the consensus is that it’s okay to use a man in this way then that is also demeaning and taking away his right to choose.
I don’t have all the answers here but I think it’s worth some thought about how we think about sex, pregnancy, and where our sense of choice get’s taken for all genders.
I can say that, in this day and age everyone should try to be more aware of the safety of the sex they are having and have the adult conversations about pregnancy prevention or plans of conception prior too engaging. I am aware this isn’t always possible in every circumstance but it might just save you from venturing down an unintended road.
We all deserve our sexual rights and rights to our bodies, including men.
As for me, I can say that I know that having a baby as a single mother is not the easiest road, but I am proud to be able to look at my child one day and know that they were created with love and without purposely harming another’s life.
Love, Light, & Blessings,
Addison
Sex & Orgasmic Frequency Coach, Energyworker, +Life Activator
