Hideous Situation Of Love

b5d277a59f8e5390355cc641d238103dI sit there talking to this man and I find a little corner of my heart making space for love towards this man. We chat about a recent date of his, and I laugh with him about his slyness with coming up with amazing adventures. I love hearing about one of his lovers, specifically because it fills me with joy to know that he is happy and to see the beautiful relationship he has built. I am new and so stand in awe of the magnificent love. However, in his haste to get things out of his mouth and find clarity within himself, he stumbles over his words and unbeknownst to him, they come out all wrong. I suddenly try to eradicate that little piece of my heart that was just implanted with love… but it won’t budge. My heart clenches, my chest aches, and my eyes struggle to hold back the tears in the dark. I lose touch with everything being said and have a vivid image of my heart bleeding all over this beautiful bedroom. He chatters on about general life without realizing I deeply need triage.

Love sucks! Yep, I said it, love is one of the most beautiful and terrible things we humans experience. I say this because although love in its purest form is true beauty, our humanness gets in the way. At the same time, love makes life worth living, in my humble opinion. Love keeps me going and in all its different expressions, it pushes me forward. Love comes in so many shapes and sizes and does not necessarily mean a state of romance. Love is simply an energy and feeling that is ever changing.

I was born with a deeply sensitive heart. You can’t tell me not to love someone! When you enter my life and moreover my inner circle, then I am going to love you. I see the beauty in people, and I can’t help but love their souls. Unfortunately/ fortunately, I can count 1…2… 3…4 people I ‘shouldn’t’ love but somehow my brain can’t convince my heart to build a wall. I love big, and I love deep. I love until it physically aches in my chest and my soul. Despite the initial plans for a relationship, I can’t help where this heart of mine wanders. I am like the ocean, and so, therefore, my heart flows in the same wild manner. I can tell myself a thousand times to not fall in love and block my heart off, as well as about the ramifications of unrequited love, and the eventual pain that comes with loving deeply, yet my love persists.

As much as I would love to say I live unattached… that’d be a big fat lie. If my soul sings around another person, then I become attached. Not attached in a sense I would hold someone. That is not love! If I love someone, then if the time comes to let them go, despite the pain I might feel, I love them enough to let them fly. I become attached in the manner of wanting to be in their presence, see their beauty, feel their joy, and be a support for their sorrow.

Love = Vulnerability

Definition:

Vulnerability: The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

There is no way around vulnerability in love. To love is to be vulnerable and take the chance the other person in your life will treat that vulnerability with respect. There are no guarantees. Even in loving children, pets, careers, etc. we choose both the love and the pain. All relationships in their human form must end and so with that ending comes an inevitable degree of pain. Whether that pain be now or 50 years later, all true love will also bring a level of pain.

This pain may be someone purposely hurting you. It may be someone accidently hurting you because we are all humans with our own wounding. It may be losing a relationship for a variety of reasons, including death. However, the pain may be simply standing there naked in our own skin and having to deal with inner demons and being seen. We live in a world where we build walls not only between ourselves and other people, but also within ourselves.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
― C.S. LewisThe Four Loves
So, why do it?

Consequently, we can’t love if we are not vulnerable. We would cut off all positive feelings and energy in the relationship and then love in that relationship would no longer exist. We can’t hit those ecstatic states we dream about in love without taking the risk. As the above quotes explains, we can live cut off from the pain of love, but we won’t actually be living. The natural state of our souls is a state of love and so we would be cutting ourselves off from our own soul, which is unsustainable.

Love in all its forms gives us:

  • Motivation/Drive
  • Passion
  • Connection
  • Meaning/Purpose
  • Joy

Love is complicated, and so there are no quick fix tips. There are many things you can do when you find yourself in love and a state of vulnerability. However, the best advice I can give is simply to breathe! Breathe through the pain, the vulnerability, and your Ego. Breathe while sitting in the glory and ache of it all! Share and process with those you trust. Allow yourself to feel the whole gamut of emotions! Then have gratitude because to feel, to love, to be vulnerable is to be alive. And to truly live is the best adventure!

For Help with your love life… Reach out TODAY! www.addisonbell.net

See Me! : The Importance of Feeling Seen In Relationship

I am wearing a sleek black dress, high heel shoes, a pretty garter belt, and stockings. There are no plans of having sex tonight but I did want to feel sexy in my own skin. Most of all, I wanted him to think I looked beautiful. When I walk into the room, I want his jaw to fall open and for him to have a dozen fantasies cross his mind. Throughout the night, I tease with playful statements. Nothing. Nada! He doesn’t see me sitting in this car, wearing my heart on my sleeve, and wanting to be acknowledged. Really, for him to see that I am hurting and that a smile or hug from him could fix a world of hurt. I am craving to be seen in this moment! The more I am ignored, the more my Ego begins to make up stories about what he is thinking. I don’t verbalize it but mentally I scream… “SEE ME!”

The word intimacy can be broken down into “in-to-me-see” because, really, in any type of relationship that is what we are craving at the core. As humans, we want to be seen and acknowledged. As female humans, I dare to say that we crave this even more. I hear all the time from female friends, clients, and family members the statement, “He just doesn’t see me…” From a feminine perspective, when we feel our lovers are not seeing us, it can cut right to our hearts. This not only impacts our heart but also our minds, which, with enough time and lack of attention, will seep into not only other areas of the relationship but many areas of our lives. When a woman isn’t feeling seen, then she is going to have a more difficult time orgasming or even getting turned on enough to have sex. She is going to begin to emotionally armor up which eventually leads to the huge energy blocks I work with daily in my practice. Also, she may begin to find people in her life to make her feel seen and wanted. This is when a woman begins putting her friends and other lovers before her primary man… or begins an affair. Women not being acknowledged by the people closest to them are likely to carry these feelings into their daily life and interactions, wearing down on their self-esteem and overall connection to themselves.

I dare say that it also hurts men when they believe they are putting effort into a relationship to hear the above words. Yes, some men may not be putting in the effort and aren’t trying to please their women but that is a whole different article… the “He’s Just Not Into You” article. The problem is that most men want to connect with their partners and do not want this chasm in the relationship. Oftentimes, they are clueless that there is even a problem in the first place. They want their partner to have orgasmic sex, be confident, and have free-flowing energy because in the end, they benefit from each of these areas.

Really, the burden falls on both parties in these moments. As women, we often believe that our lovers should just know. They should put together all the physical and emotional signals. They should energetically notice that something is off. Men are often shocked when their women blow up on them and tell them they never appreciate them or worse, find them in the midst of an affair and have no reason why she felt she had to find another man. Then they may finally wake up and realize they are not putting the necessary effort into the relationship.

Men: It is easy to get lost in the daily grind of problems and stresses. It is important to take time out frequently to appreciate your lover and to do something special with them. This does not mean it has to be an overly expensive evening but just some time when you are not distracted by work, television, or kids, to really focus in on each other and connect. Also, women, as a general rule, tend to need people to listen more often than solve problems. SO it is always a good rule of thumb to ask what your woman needs in the moment, like “Honey, do you need me to listen or do you need me to help you figure out a solution?” As a man, it is important for you to learn to stand in your masculine, but be attentive enough to recognize when your partner is struggling. This requires really tuning into your own intuition and asking questions if you feel something is off. Ignoring these signals and hoping things will go away will only make things worse in these situations.

Women: Men are not mind readers and, as a general rule, not as connected to their emotions. It is easy to take one little negative interaction and then begin to attribute other actions in the same negative light. This is when it is important to check your Ego and look at the facts. This does not mean you must invalidate your emotions but simply get a little space to observe the situation. Men usually communicate in a more direct fashion than females and so if you are feeling hurt or want something more from your man, it is important to directly ask for your needs. Communicating your needs directly is you taking responsibility for your own happiness and desires. Your man is not responsible for “just knowing.” If an interaction bothers you, then state that it hurt your feelings in the moment instead of internalizing it will keep these feelings from festering. Also, make sure you are taking time to “see” your man and all he does for you and validate his efforts. If his efforts are never being validated, then he will give up trying as well.

Reach out to me TODAY for information on how to help bridge the chasm in your current relationship! Check out my Bodywork and Coaching sessions at www.addisonbell.net/contact