I spent the first part of my life living a boring and mundane existence where I followed the rules and did all that I was asked and told to do. I grew up thinking that what others thought of me was more important than what I thought of myself, and so I gave myself away again and again to the needs of others. I never learned how to play or color outside the lines of my mundane life, and the worst part is that I didn’t even see the joy I was missing. I found myself an adult having never truly experienced life, love, adventure, thrill, or excitement outside of books and my imagination.
I’m in the middle of receiving a personal tantric bodywork session… I laugh, I cry, I laugh and cry at the same time, and then, I suddenly go to a peaceful spiritual place where I see vivid white. Prior to leaving the session, I receive amazing grounding, but leave feeling like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, and I am surprised at my reaction. I am driving home and suddenly feel slightly drunk. I have not had one drop to drink, but I feel disoriented and am feeling sick to my stomach as I pull in my driveway. I was told to go home and eat grounding foods, but right now, I feel like vomiting all over this apartment, though eating and water are essential for me, right now, to get back to myself. I go to my bedroom and strip and put on the biggest t-shirt and leggings I can find and curl up on the couch for the rest of the evening (Yep, super sexy). I have very interesting dreams throughout the evening and wake up feeling like I was hit by a truck, both physically and emotionally. I start 5, 10, 50 emails to my mentor to process what is stirred up, but truly have no words to capture what feels like intense crazy. Instead, I ground, I breathe, and I do all the things my training has taught me in managing after an intense session. I have to paddle my way through these waves of emotions and know I will be better for it.
I sit there talking to this man and I find a little corner of my heart making space for love towards this man. We chat about a recent date of his, and I laugh with him about his slyness with coming up with amazing adventures. I love hearing about one of his lovers, specifically because it fills me with joy to know that he is happy and to see the beautiful relationship he has built. I am new and so stand in awe of the magnificent love. However, in his haste to get things out of his mouth and find clarity within himself, he stumbles over his words and unbeknownst to him, they come out all wrong. I suddenly try to eradicate that little piece of my heart that was just implanted with love… but it won’t budge. My heart clenches, my chest aches, and my eyes struggle to hold back the tears in the dark. I lose touch with everything being said and have a vivid image of my heart bleeding all over this beautiful bedroom. He chatters on about general life without realizing I deeply need triage.
“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” ~ William Shakespeare
It’s been a fantastic few days, and my heart is overflowing in many ways.
I hold memories from this vacation that will always be dear to my heart. However, as I sit here on the airplane, all of the struggles and daily life nuances that I was able to forget come rushing back as we lose contact with the beautiful energy of Punta Cana.
I look over at my friend, and our simple, hysterically funny conversation quickly becomes serious. I look into her eyes, which are holding an openness I can’t express, and my heart spills out all over the plane. My tongue has been set free, and I am talking a mile a minute as she simply holds space for my insecurities, my fears, and the pain that has been buried deep down in my heart.
Scenario 1: We have just come out from an extraordinary concert that has my heart dancing from the beautiful music. As we walk down the sidewalk, he grasps my shoulders and pushes me to the right, and I get jokingly scolded as he explains that he needs to be between me and traffic. In this moment, he wants to be my protector.
Scenario 2: I patiently sit and wait for him to come around to my side of the car and open the door. I have to take a second to breathe past my conditioning of doing things for myself and just allow. He opens the door, I place my hand in his, and he gives me a gentle kiss before guiding me to our destination as I thank him for his thoughtfulness.
Scenario 3: We are lying on the couch and just chatting as he shows me some interesting pictures and videos on social media. The conversation turns slightly sexy, and there is definitely a sexual tension in the room, but I feel frozen and am not making any moves. Then he suddenly stands up, grasps my hand, says he wants me, and pulls me up the stairs to his bedroom where we have an evening of play.