From the time I was 10 years-old until I was in my twenties, I fought a bloody battle with my own body, which manifested as anorexia and bulimia. I spent 15 years in what can only be described as a hell of my own body but more than anything, a place where I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was blessed, however, to get help and eventually fully recover. I learned to come to a place of peace with my body and formed an essence of neutrality. I no longer put effort into trying to lose weight because I knew this was a slippery slop to relapse. Through the years of recovery it became apparent that I needed to work on my past sexual trauma that was keeping me stuck in not only a war against my body but in many areas of my life, especially my sexuality. I would later learn that most individuals with eating disorders also have some difficulties with their sexuality in some form or fashion. I went to therapy religiously and pushed myself to open up internal boxes that I had bolted shut. The deeper I dug the more disgusted I found for my sexuality and the more my body shut down physically.
I lay there and have a strong desire to be held in that moment. To be held and kissed, and penetrated on a multitude of levels. It’s funny because a piece of me WANTS sex in that moment and then another piece is stuck in a sense of ambivalence about the whole thing. As I ponder, I think about how things have changed so quickly for me in the sex department. Guy A just wasn’t a fit even though he was really nice, but I’m not one to string people along if the chemistry is not there. Guy B and I aren’t really speaking at the moment and we both need a breather. Guy C is simply going to be labeled an asshole in my book from here on out. And my negative mood and complete absence of sexual desire for a week or so sent Guy D packing for the hills. So I think, “Well, this royally sucks. I am officially in drought territory!”
I have spent the last two weeks in a pile of books. I have read books on sex, on Tantra, on advanced energy techniques, on the human body, on spirit, etc. Honestly, my brain feels like it’s going to explode!
The thing that struck me as I read all of these different books is that everything all came down to simply softening into the Universe. If you want better sex then you have to soften, otherwise you will be unable to connect and experience. If you choose not to soften then you will cut off portions of your experiences, and then you will truly miss out. If you want to feel your energy and/or help others move energy the key is not to grip your mind or clench onto the energy – otherwise you will lose that fragile connection. Instead you are supposed to soften into it. These same concepts apply to spirit, tantric techniques, and dare I say life.