How I Lost 25lbs and Gained Sexual Empowerment Through Tantra

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From the time I was 10 years-old until I was in my twenties, I fought a bloody battle with my own body, which manifested as anorexia and bulimia. I spent 15 years in what can only be described as a hell of my own body but more than anything, a place where I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was blessed, however, to get help and eventually fully recover. I learned to come to a place of peace with my body and formed an essence of neutrality. I no longer put effort into trying to lose weight because I knew this was a slippery slop to relapse. Through the years of recovery it became apparent that I needed to work on my past sexual trauma that was keeping me stuck in not only a war against my body but in many areas of my life, especially my sexuality. I would later learn that most individuals with eating disorders also have some difficulties with their sexuality in some form or fashion. I went to therapy religiously and pushed myself to open up internal boxes that I had bolted shut. The deeper I dug the more disgusted I found for my sexuality and the more my body shut down physically.

I found myself fully recovered from my eating disorder but still struggling with my body in terms of my sexuality, and simply talking about it wasn’t fixing the physical problems that had developed. No matter how many times I sat in therapy sessions my therapist wasn’t able to help me make penetration hurt any less, nor was my doctor even able to help for that matter. Nor were they able to take away the extreme panic, the flashbacks, or the nausea I would have when a date became more sensual. So, I decided it was time to seek out another way to work through my problems surrounding sexuality. I had heard about practitioners that did hands on work and so I began Googling until I came across what would later become my Tantric Sex Coach. It took almost a year before I actually met her and agreed to do the work that was necessary for my own healing.

When I began seeing her I was completely frozen in my body, had very little body awareness, reported zero sexual desire, and although I was not overweight I held an extra 25lbs on my petite frame as a protective shield. I exercised and ate a generally balanced diet, and at the time I was at what clinicians called my “ideal body weight.” Session after session I dug into my beliefs surrounding sex, my desires, and my body and began peeling away layers of distorted beliefs. Then we began moving on to more experiential tantric sessions where I began discovering an energy in my body that I had never noticed. I began feeling the beginnings of arousal and desire and started to feel my entire body for the first time since I was a child. My physical body began to relax through tantric practices of breathing, relaxing, and being mindful of my “Kundalini” (sexual) energy.

The first time I had sex after beginning to study and integrate Tantra, I found that I was able to relax enough that I wasn’t screaming in pain, whereas in the months prior, inserting a tampon was painful. The other thing I began noticing, was that as I peeled away negative belief systems through the experiential processes, my body began unfolding as well. All of a sudden my waist began to become more slender, my hips took on a different curve, and my face went from being rounded to thin and elongated. I was in my late twenties but my body started changing in ways that I can only compare to puberty!

From my years of working in mental health, my degree in psychology, and training in Bioenergetics I knew that oftentimes our physical bodies are representations of the lives we have lived. (For more information see “The Body Keeps Score”). This mental knowledge began to play out right in front of me when I looked in the mirror, and it took me by surprise.

As I stated earlier, I did not believe in dieting and I was not attempting to lose weight but clothes that were once tight became loose and then began falling off . The more Tantra got me in touch with my body the more I was able to tune in and listen to what it desired in regards to food and exercise. I was able to savor every morsel of chocolate instead of eating a whole candy bar and not enjoying its taste. I was able to crave fruits and vegetables and the energy they provided my body. I did not eat them just because they were “healthy.” I ate fruits and vegetables because they were what my body wanted. The feelings I had of disgust at my body and sexuality, that used to induce nausea, was no longer present.

I began enjoying the movements of my body more, because for once, I felt really good and was literally not lugging around pounds of trauma. Sex was fun and lasted longer and longer because I was enjoying the dance and movement of the intimacy. I began having orgasms that shook my whole body for hours. I would leave one of my lovers, and my stomach muscles would still be rippling from the energy of the previous sex session. I would awake the next morning feeling like I had spent 2 hours at the gym. For the first time in my life I would walk, dance, or engage in other movements just because it brought me pleasure.

I began to love my body more for whatever it looked like through the practice of tantra. Tantra translates as “weave” and this is what I started to do with my sexuality and my body. A big piece of tantra is learning to honor, and one of the things we honor is the inner “God/Goddess” in everyone. So I began taping into that divinity of my own spirit. I developed new belief systems surrounding why I was here on this earth and in this physical body. I found a beauty within that made me want to take care of my myself as a whole. I started to understand that our thoughts manifest our world; for example, if you focus on being “fat,” that is exactly what your reality becomes.

I find it amazing that, as soon as I truly “let myself go” my body took on the shape that I had literally almost killed myself for only years prior! With the help of Tantra I have found a fun and orgasmic sex life but also a true connection with my body.

Now as a Sex/Relationship Coach & Tantric Practitioner, I feel blessed to be able to help people gain the same benefits that I had received when I got into Tantra. I revel in the changes I see physically and energetically in clients as they begin to do this work. It is extraordinary to see people release things that have clung to their spirits like mud. I feel incredibly honored to be able to walk through pain, tears, shame, nightmares and joy with my clients the way that some outstanding people have done for me.

So although I will NEVER give dieting advice, here is a review of some elements that you can include in your life to help you find a body and life closer to what you desire:

  • Stop focusing on your weight in a negative way! The more you focus on how unhappy you are with your body the more you will tell the Universe that this is the body you want. If you think you’re fat you will be fat! Instead focus on aspects about your life and body that you enjoy.
  • Become more mindful of your body in diet and exercise. When you are eating, make sure you are focusing more on the taste of the food and the energy it gives off. When you are exercising, focus on how your body is enjoying the movement. Don’t deprive your body from foods that it really wants. If you want chocolate, then eat it – but eat it mindfully.
  • Have more SEX! There are many health benefits of good sex, but one of them is weight loss and toning. This will only work if you are having deep, connective sex, otherwise you will not be releasing the correct chemicals into your brain, and your orgasms won’t be deep enough to give you the full benefit. This goes for men and women.
  • Start working with a Tantric practitioner to release stored traumas from your body. When we are carrying around negative energy we are simply not able to live our best lives. Studies have shown that we can also physically carry these traumas through fat stores, cancers and other physical representations.

Reach out to Addison Bell, Sex & Relationship Coach and Tantric Practitioner, TODAY to find help in creating a better life and body for yourself!

www.addisonbell.net/contact

Sexual Drought!

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I lay there and have a strong desire to be held in that moment. To be held and kissed, and penetrated on a multitude of levels. It’s funny because a piece of me WANTS sex in that moment and then another piece is stuck in a sense of ambivalence about the whole thing. As I ponder, I think about how things have changed so quickly for me in the sex department. Guy A just wasn’t a fit even though he was really nice, but I’m not one to string people along if the chemistry is not there. Guy B and I aren’t really speaking at the moment and we both need a breather. Guy C is simply going to be labeled an asshole in my book from here on out. And my negative mood and complete absence of sexual desire for a week or so sent Guy D packing for the hills. So I think, “Well, this royally sucks. I am officially in drought territory!”

We’ve all been there. Where we are wanting to connect intimately and sexually with another human but for some reason our options are limited. Now, I will say that often these “options” are self-limited because we have standards for who, when, and in what manner we have sex. For myself, I am very careful with who I choose to have sex with because I know that this person is going to become part of me from there on out. Then there are also the times when you mentally want to have sex but your body is not on board. In times of stress it is harder for us as humans, and especially women, to become aroused and open to engaging in sex. So you could desire it mentally but your body may not respond to these thoughts and efforts. These and many other scenarios can lead to what I call the sexual drought!

Our sexuality is attached to our creativity and our mental and also physical well-being. When we are not engaging in sex, we can sometimes notice deficits in other areas of our lives. That being said, I don’t necessarily think a sexual drought is a bad thing, if managed correctly and is only for a short period of time.

My belief is that this time gives one the ability to reflect on where they are with their sexuality, what they need, what they may look forward to trying in the future, and simply to re-evaluate the types of sexual relationships they want to engage in. This can also be a great time to check in with yourself on how you are treating yourself sexually. Are you simply having sex for the sake of having sex? Are you taking the time to connect with your own body? And are you honoring your body in sexual relationships with others? This is a great time to reintegrate with yourself.

So how do we manage this drought period and come out better for it? Here are a few tips:

Touch yourself: During this drought period it is important that you maintain a sense of your own body. This can be as simple as taking the time to spread lotion on every area of your body and really tune in to all the sensations you are experiencing in that moment. Really sink in to your own touch. This also goes for taking the time to masturbate. This does not mean pull out the porn and lose all track of your own body. This means take the time to really FEEL your body – to feel how it is to be touched in different areas and focus on energy going from the bottom of your spine up to the top of your head. Feel as your Kundalini energy rises and build it up to a point where you can circulate it through your body. This type of self-touch will keep you from losing touch with yourself when not having sex. It will keep your brain chemicals in an open and creative space and keep your mood at a higher vibration.

Let others touch you: There is no reason for you to be devoid of touch completely. This is when you find other alternatives for touch than sex. If you plan on seeing a friend, then ask for a hug. It’s probably easier for women, but go ahead, step out of your comfort zone, and admit to someone that you need a heart-connected hug. If you know any children, then ask them for a hug (in a non-creepy way). I know frequently if I am in need of a hug I will ask my young nephews and they are totally willing to “bear hug” Aunt Addison! Children’s love can be so pure that sometimes this is exactly the type of energy you need. If those two ideas do not work, then reach out to a massage therapist and get some good focused attention. One of the best ways to keep your sexual energy up is to get a tantric bodywork session with myself or another practitioner. This allows for not only touch, but touch that stimulates sexual energy through practices we can help teach..

Keep your passions: Anything that keeps you engaged and passionate about life will also keep your sexual energy and overall passion alive. When we are focused on lack, then that is exactly what gets called into our lives. So if you are taking the time to engage in things you love and enjoy, then you are calling in just the right energy for a fun and playful sexual relationship.

Give yourself meditative time: This does not necessarily mean to sit cross-legged on the floor in silence for hours at a time. What I mean by meditative time is to take the time to breathe and really think about what you want out of your next sexual relationship. Think about where you are headed in your life and what your current desires are overall. Spend time manifesting that next wonderful sexual relationship.

For more tips and ideas to getting your sexual life back on track TODAY… book an appointment HERE.

Softening Into The Universe

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I have spent the last two weeks in a pile of books. I have read books on sex, on Tantra, on advanced energy techniques, on the human body, on spirit, etc. Honestly, my brain feels like it’s going to explode!

The thing that struck me as I read all of these different books is that everything all came down to simply softening into the Universe. If you want better sex then you have to soften, otherwise you will be unable to connect and experience. If you choose not to soften then you will cut off portions of your experiences, and then you will truly miss out. If you want to feel your energy and/or help others move energy the key is not to grip your mind or clench onto the energy – otherwise you will lose that fragile connection. Instead you are supposed to soften into it. These same concepts apply to spirit, tantric techniques, and dare I say life.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned over the years has been the tighter you hold onto something the greater chance you have of killing that very thing. Take a second to think of the tiny bird that falls from the tree. You go over and pick it up but are afraid to have too light of a grip for fear of it escaping or hurting itself further. So you grip the tiny bird. The bird starts to wiggle, starts to peck, starts to cry out for help. The more it wiggles, the tighter you grip. One of two things is going to happen. 1) It will break free and will never let you get ahold of it again, or 2) You will squish it to death because of your desire to hold on.

I know for many this occurrence often manifests itself in relationships. Often times we love so much and care so much that instead of giving that person room to grow, progress, and be themselves we instead end up making them feel smothered. This looks like love but truly it is only taking control of someone else for our own benefit. The old saying goes, “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t they never were.- Kahlil Gibran”.

I have learned and continue to learn the hard way that when we soften into our lives and what the Universe has in store for us blessings will have an easier time entering our lives. It’s a hard lesson and one that, unfortunately, my monkey brain has to keep learning over and over again in life. When we try to manifest anything in our lives with force we end up blocking the very thing that we are attempting to attract. There is passion, which is a beautiful and wonderful thing, there is putting effort out to make our dreams become a reality, there is dreaming and having belief in your ability… and then there is gripping something so tightly that it dies.

I believe this process to be harder for some than it is for others based upon one’s personality, past emotional wounding, previous personal growth, and also a person’s spiritual belief. If you believe that the Universe will take care of you in the end and that you will be okay, then it is much easier to soften as opposed to an instance where you believe your God/Universe is punishing and will not take care of you and will only watch your suffer needlessly. However, softening into life is a process that only becomes easier when you put it into practice.

So how does one “soften”? There are many techniques but here are just a handful you can try:

  • Breathe! – One of the best ways to soften if you find yourself working too hard or holding too tightly to a person, thought, or situation is to take a few minutes to breathe and feel your body. Pay attention to whether they are short shallow breaths or if they are deep belly breaths. Stay with your breath until you have had a few minutes of successful deep belly breathing. It also can be helpful to picture breathing out the stress, constriction, or situation as you exhale.
  • Meditation – This goes along with the breathing but take time to try to guide your monkey mind away from the situation. There are many ways to meditate, and so find what works best for you. Remember, the main point is to try to clear your mind. You can even visually picture yourself letting go of the situation.
  • Faith – Reminding yourself of your personal beliefs surrounding life and God and the Universe can be helpful in times like these. I often will repeat a mantra such as, “The Universe is guiding me towards my highest good” in order to remind myself to surrender.
  • Letting Emotion Out – Often times people hold onto something so tightly because they are experiencing a stuck emotion. At this point, it’s best to take some time alone and have a good cry, journal without thinking, or throw a mini tantrum! This allows us to get the energy moving in our bodies and opens us up to the ability to soften and accept our humanness.

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This process is not a perfect one, and as humans we will all fall and have to get back up. The importance lies in the acknowledgment of the process and being your own Witness – that’s when things change. Certain areas of your life might be harder to let go of than others… pay attention to these areas, because they have a message. In my own life I find it most difficult to soften into giving people space based upon my own past wounding. So when I find myself clutching onto people, I know that breathing through this is going to be rockier than say softening into a situation that makes me angry. If one area is creating more difficulty than usual, then there is probably something there that needs to be explored or even simply acknowledged.

Be gentle and patient with yourselves!

Namasté!

Addison B.

 

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