I begin to become aware of the soft bed and pillow beneath my head. My eyes crack open only the smallest amount as I try to grip the strange dreams that are quickly slipping like sands from my memory. My mind begins to process. Morning. Sunday. Last night was event. Still sleepy…no not sleepy, drained. I say my morning gratitude prayer. Then as I begin to pull out of bed and process the energy that still is looming in my body from an intense previous day my Ego quickly begins to join the party. By the time I have coffee and my journal, I realize that the healing energy from yesterday has pulled up old wounds. I begin my journaling, and I see the words that are flowing out of me that speak of isolation, feeling left out, not wanted, tolerated, and speak directly to my worthiness. “Whoa, whoa”, I think to myself, “I have been super included, I have no reason to feel unwanted after everything yesterday and being simply tolerated is just utter bullshit”. I am at utter war with my mind and my emotions. God versus the Enemy. My adult self versus my childhood wounding. My energy versus absorbed energy from others. The war rages!
I see this war very clearly because of the deep contrast between the hole that I feel within me in that moment and the fact and knowledge I have about the situation. Which one is correct?
Both! Yes, at this moment I do feel unworthy, unlovable, not enough, too much, and most of all not wanted. This is the reality of my feelings and the reality of where I still have wounding from my past. But, Yes I am being crazy at the same time. The reality of the moment is that I have been nothing but wanted, connected, and desired the last few days. The reality is that no matter how my Ego tries to spin this there is clear evidence to the contrary. I breathe. I recognize that my energy has been under some major concentrated shifts over the last 48hrs and I try to step into a state of acceptance instead of getting angry at myself for my feelings. My Ego desires to snap, to quit on certain elements in my life, and leave all relationships! Fuck everyone! At the same time, I talk myself out of any intense Ego based reactions towards the people I love. I see the wounds and recognize my need to allow this healing while also not staying stuck.
The truth is our wounding is real. To pretend that we don’t all have our personals wounds would only do us harm. This is how we end up blocking off our hearts, harshly judging ourselves, and end up harming others we are in relationship too. When we are unaware of our wounding then we react, we blame, we judge straight from our Ego, instead of recognizing where our reactions are coming from and processing them. The processing part is essential because otherwise we recognize it but don’t do the healing and thus repeat the same reactions repeatedly.
Hurt People, Hurt People!
When we share our wounding with a trusted person, it can be relationship building! Sharing with a loved one where we are wounded, in a state of simply sharing, can increase intimacy in a relationship and help the other person understand us at a deeper level. Now, this does not permit us to act from that wound but since many of our personalities, traits, and responses are based upon our wounding it allows the other to see you at a deeper level. As people, we are built from our wounds, and it is these healed wounds that we can often shine our greatest light out into the world.
On the same note although we must own our wounding as it is important that we don’t drown in that place. In my many years of working with people, I have found that people tend to either completely deny their wounding and thus are never healing and become directionless about how to move into new patterns or they tend to fall in the victim hole and get nice and cozy there in the self-created hell. Yes, shitty stuff happens but if we live from a place of victimhood, then we will also not be able to move forward. This is when you blame your parents, your abuser, your partner, or anyone else for your life. People impact us, but we have a choice in how we react and move forward. Especially as an adult you can make the conscious choice to move forward, not blame, and see that we are manifesting our realities.
It is a matter of finding harmony between giving ourselves grace, recognizing where we are not fully healed, and yet moving forward and not allowing our Ego’s to take over. This is seeing the Ego, and quickly getting into observer mode and doing the tough self-work from a place of self-love. Once you begin to step into this observer mode, then you will be able to begin to heal these wounds truly. Here are some suggestions for moving forward during these times of recognition:
- Journal, Journal, Journal! Journaling allows us to see our wounding, see where our ego’s are joining the party, and then move into a place of observer if we allow.
- Breathing. Yes, stopping and breathing before responding gives us the chance to recognize moments where we are coming from a place of ego, wounding, or simply just not from our highest selves. Breathing gives us a chance to pause long enough to observe what is happening within truly.
- Talking to partner/trusted person. If you are blessed to have a trusted person that can hold space without allowing their own ego’s to get involved, then this can be a powerful blessing. When we can talk things out and hear our own “crazy”, we can sometimes work through these wounds and see where we are falling into the same old patterns of past. Coaches and other practitioners are great for this because they can hold space but can call you out on your shit!
- Touching base with your body. Taking a few moments to meditate and touch base with your body can also give you knowledge of where potential trauma and negative energy may be stored. Sending some loving energy to this area and also your heart can get you through some sticky Ego driven moments. It can allow you to observe where your body is storing and allow a letting go process.
Our perceived wounds can often be our greatest gift to the world. It is where, when healed, we can come from the place of the most compassion and love. We simply must step into these areas of ourselves and with tough love face ourselves.
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