I sit in my meditation area and begin to ponder where I was this time last year. I am quickly reminded of how a year can change so much! As I sit, I flip through my intentions that I had written this time last December and read through my desires, and I see desires focused in several areas: Business, Friendships, Intimate Relationships, Travel, and Adventure. Though as I read the list of adventures, it is apparently clear that I had my mind set on some sex-specific adventures and play for 2017. I read through, and not one of the said sexual adventures has actually been removed from the list. I breathe in a moment of sadness as it passes through my body because this year has turned out very different than expected, but I quickly then breathe in a taste of joy and love that I was blessed to experience, which was very unexpected.
Three hundred and sixty-five days, but truthfully, I think of several specific days that stand out in my mind that were the ones that were pivotal points in my life this past year. The day I got a letter that would change my business forever. The night I looked up into millions of stars while the ocean splashed in the distance and I felt so expansive and yet at the same time so small. The day that I looked down at a card reading that would drive home truths I didn’t want to see and personal insecurities I didn’t want to face. The night spent drinking bubbly drinks and celebrating my life with a friend as we laughed the night away. A day of rebirth, floating in the Universe with the beautiful energy of love. The day before the year began where I lay in my home, after having had a breathtaking adventure, but yet orgasmic sexual adventure and sat there planning on a 2017 filled with even more blissful moments!
This year that started out with multiple orgasms and a beautiful sexual adventure became a year of being sex-starved. When the year started, I had several lovers, I was experiencing the deepest levels of orgasm I had ever experienced, and I was making plans with lovers to step out of my comfort zone in several areas. I was sexually on fire! However, as the year went by, different lovers left, different priorities became known, moods changed, which meant changes in my sex, and the Universe pointed me in the direction of spiritual growth instead of sexual growth. Although I had some beautiful and connective sexual moments in 2017, the year itself did not fill me up with passionate sexual experiences, and instead, I had to tap into different layers of my energy.
Sitting here, looking back over my year, I still have a desire, once back into alignment with these goals, to expand in the sexual areas that I had intended, but yet I am filled with joy over what I found this past year instead. Instead, I found a beautiful love in a variety of areas of my life that had nothing to do with sex.
I found love in friendships! I was able to connect, this year, with new friends and deepen relationships with the ones that were already stable points in my life. These relationships gave me the most joy out of my entire year as it is always profound when you look around in moments of transformation and see people standing by your side and rooting for you. I think back to moments where I laughed until I cried, moments where while I cried until I laughed, got amazing soul-warming hugs, and phone calls/texts when feeling down. This year, as things have changed drastically in my life, as men have come and gone, unexpected situations have taken my breath away, I have been blessed to have the love of my friends. I found a profound love in these relationships and a depth that I had yet to experience. Friends really and truly became family this year and filled my heart with the love it was needing.
I also found love in the small things. Although I believe I have always been good at finding the beauty in the small things, up until the second half of this year had not reached a deeper level of not just seeing the beauty, but also the love in the tiny moments of life. The moments when I look into the horizon and notice the beautiful swirl of colors that are streaking the sky. A song that lifted my spirits. Or a cup of coffee that warmed not only my body but my soul. These are little moments of divinity, and within the divine is always love! I have always seen the beauty, but the loving energy that comes with them was not as apparent and has been something I am incredibly grateful for over the last few months.
I found love in myself. This might sound boastful, and really I don’t care because I have done a great job of surfing the waves of this year. I found this year to be a year where I had to learn to take my self-love to a new level. It’s funny that I would have said a year ago that I loved myself, and I really did, but there are always blind spots in our self-love, and as these blind spots came to consciousness it required some difficult choices. Do I lean into what the world wants me to do or do I lean into what my heart wants me to do? Do I do what will make the men in my life happy but leaves me with mediocre connections and sexing? Do I beat myself up for my confusion and at times lack of focus? I found myself more and more leaning into decisions that supported self-love and the person I desire to be in 10 years.
I found love in spirit this year! I can distinctly remember a moment where I ‘should’ have been completely crumbling due to circumstances happening in my personal life, but what I remember is really driving down the road. Yes, anxious, but at the same time with a belief and conviction that God had me. I felt this loving presence all around me as the ground beneath my very feet seemed to be slipping away. And yet, there was this stillness of spirit that was with me. I find this loving presence daily in my meditations, in my prayers, and sometimes in the energy around me. I found this spiritual love while doing sessions this year and also in receiving sessions this year where there was simply an air of the divine mixed in all things that took my breath away. It was a love that I thought I knew, but again, I was mistaken and found a deeper knowledge of this immense love.
So, am I finishing this year feeling a little underfucked? Why yes, actually I am. But I am also finishing this year with an immense amount of gratitude for the path I have been led down. For the memories from three separate soul-awakening trips that included Dominican Republic, London, and Riviera Maya, and all three had moments of divine love intertwined. For the love of friends around me, and also for the love of myself to let go of situations that no longer served my highest and greatest good. I am also thankful for the struggles, the bad sex, the broken relationships, the tears, and the uncertainty because it forced a choice between love and fear… and sitting here now, I’m choosing love. I didn’t get what I wanted this year, but got something better, what I needed.
To my clients…
To my friends…
To my teachers…
To my God…
Thank you for giving me a year FILLED with LOVE!