Let me tell you a story about me, Addison Bell, when I was about 20 years old. It’s not a pretty story. Actually, it’s quite the opposite, and so I desire to give a warning that this is not going to be beautiful and sexy. It is also a part of the story I don’t usually tell both because it saddens me to think of and also because the person I speak of is no longer the person I see in the mirror. Read more
Do you want to know one of my favorite places in my house? It’s my bathroom. One might find this a bit strange, but let me take a moment to explain. In my bathroom, there is a corkboard where I keep little notes that the people closest to me have written. I get letters and cards throughout the year, but you have to be at a certain level with me to truly make it to the bathroom corkboard. It’s an honor reserved for those that I want their loving voices with me throughout the day and to boost me up on those days when I need boosting. In these letters and notes on this corkboard are mainly short messages that remind me that I am loved and cared about. There really are no ten-page letters of heart dripping vulnerability. Nope, these messages look more like, “I love you. You are beautiful, amazing, courageous, and funny.” Every morning when I am doing my morning routine, and throughout the day whenever I need to go into the bathroom, I get to look at these messages and occasionally will send off some energetic gratitude to the people that wrote the notes. I tell you this because these small scraps of paper on my wall are big things in my heart. They are little things, but they are, on some days, everything! Read more
When I get there, my life will be perfect. When I get there, I will be happy. When I get there, I will be able to focus on my family/friends. When I get there, I will be able to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. There, There, There… but never Here.
I’ve said it, and I bet you have said it too. The comments about how things will be different when you have reached a goal. The problem being that, for most of us, this goal is a constant moving target or it never creates the total life change that we expect. We keep on a lifelong search for our happiness, joy, time, and perfect life that never comes. We put our joy off until the ‘perfect’ man/woman comes into our life, until we get that new promotion, until we have enough money in the bank, until we are fully enlightened, until… we die. Read more
I sit there on the floor, leaning back into the arms that wrap around my body and legs that create a cradled sensation. All clothes are on, and there is zero sexual energy in the room, but instead, a quiet reverence. I specifically requested to be held, and that’s exactly what I got, which sounded great in theory, but feels incredibly vulnerable in this moment. I both want to cuddle down closer to soak in the simple touch that I was craving and simultaneously, I want to run because I can feel emotions rising in my chest from the simple process of being held without expectations. Read more
From the time I was 10 years-old until I was in my twenties, I fought a bloody battle with my own body, which manifested as anorexia and bulimia. I spent 15 years in what can only be described as a hell of my own body but more than anything, a place where I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was blessed, however, to get help and eventually fully recover. I learned to come to a place of peace with my body and formed an essence of neutrality. I no longer put effort into trying to lose weight because I knew this was a slippery slop to relapse. Through the years of recovery it became apparent that I needed to work on my past sexual trauma that was keeping me stuck in not only a war against my body but in many areas of my life, especially my sexuality. I would later learn that most individuals with eating disorders also have some difficulties with their sexuality in some form or fashion. I went to therapy religiously and pushed myself to open up internal boxes that I had bolted shut. The deeper I dug the more disgusted I found for my sexuality and the more my body shut down physically.