How I Lost 25lbs and Gained Sexual Empowerment Through Tantra

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From the time I was 10 years-old until I was in my twenties, I fought a bloody battle with my own body, which manifested as anorexia and bulimia. I spent 15 years in what can only be described as a hell of my own body but more than anything, a place where I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was blessed, however, to get help and eventually fully recover. I learned to come to a place of peace with my body and formed an essence of neutrality. I no longer put effort into trying to lose weight because I knew this was a slippery slop to relapse. Through the years of recovery it became apparent that I needed to work on my past sexual trauma that was keeping me stuck in not only a war against my body but in many areas of my life, especially my sexuality. I would later learn that most individuals with eating disorders also have some difficulties with their sexuality in some form or fashion. I went to therapy religiously and pushed myself to open up internal boxes that I had bolted shut. The deeper I dug the more disgusted I found for my sexuality and the more my body shut down physically.

I found myself fully recovered from my eating disorder but still struggling with my body in terms of my sexuality, and simply talking about it wasn’t fixing the physical problems that had developed. No matter how many times I sat in therapy sessions my therapist wasn’t able to help me make penetration hurt any less, nor was my doctor even able to help for that matter. Nor were they able to take away the extreme panic, the flashbacks, or the nausea I would have when a date became more sensual. So, I decided it was time to seek out another way to work through my problems surrounding sexuality. I had heard about practitioners that did hands on work and so I began Googling until I came across what would later become my Tantric Sex Coach. It took almost a year before I actually met her and agreed to do the work that was necessary for my own healing.

When I began seeing her I was completely frozen in my body, had very little body awareness, reported zero sexual desire, and although I was not overweight I held an extra 25lbs on my petite frame as a protective shield. I exercised and ate a generally balanced diet, and at the time I was at what clinicians called my “ideal body weight.” Session after session I dug into my beliefs surrounding sex, my desires, and my body and began peeling away layers of distorted beliefs. Then we began moving on to more experiential tantric sessions where I began discovering an energy in my body that I had never noticed. I began feeling the beginnings of arousal and desire and started to feel my entire body for the first time since I was a child. My physical body began to relax through tantric practices of breathing, relaxing, and being mindful of my “Kundalini” (sexual) energy.

The first time I had sex after beginning to study and integrate Tantra, I found that I was able to relax enough that I wasn’t screaming in pain, whereas in the months prior, inserting a tampon was painful. The other thing I began noticing, was that as I peeled away negative belief systems through the experiential processes, my body began unfolding as well. All of a sudden my waist began to become more slender, my hips took on a different curve, and my face went from being rounded to thin and elongated. I was in my late twenties but my body started changing in ways that I can only compare to puberty!

From my years of working in mental health, my degree in psychology, and training in Bioenergetics I knew that oftentimes our physical bodies are representations of the lives we have lived. (For more information see “The Body Keeps Score”). This mental knowledge began to play out right in front of me when I looked in the mirror, and it took me by surprise.

As I stated earlier, I did not believe in dieting and I was not attempting to lose weight but clothes that were once tight became loose and then began falling off . The more Tantra got me in touch with my body the more I was able to tune in and listen to what it desired in regards to food and exercise. I was able to savor every morsel of chocolate instead of eating a whole candy bar and not enjoying its taste. I was able to crave fruits and vegetables and the energy they provided my body. I did not eat them just because they were “healthy.” I ate fruits and vegetables because they were what my body wanted. The feelings I had of disgust at my body and sexuality, that used to induce nausea, was no longer present.

I began enjoying the movements of my body more, because for once, I felt really good and was literally not lugging around pounds of trauma. Sex was fun and lasted longer and longer because I was enjoying the dance and movement of the intimacy. I began having orgasms that shook my whole body for hours. I would leave one of my lovers, and my stomach muscles would still be rippling from the energy of the previous sex session. I would awake the next morning feeling like I had spent 2 hours at the gym. For the first time in my life I would walk, dance, or engage in other movements just because it brought me pleasure.

I began to love my body more for whatever it looked like through the practice of tantra. Tantra translates as “weave” and this is what I started to do with my sexuality and my body. A big piece of tantra is learning to honor, and one of the things we honor is the inner “God/Goddess” in everyone. So I began taping into that divinity of my own spirit. I developed new belief systems surrounding why I was here on this earth and in this physical body. I found a beauty within that made me want to take care of my myself as a whole. I started to understand that our thoughts manifest our world; for example, if you focus on being “fat,” that is exactly what your reality becomes.

I find it amazing that, as soon as I truly “let myself go” my body took on the shape that I had literally almost killed myself for only years prior! With the help of Tantra I have found a fun and orgasmic sex life but also a true connection with my body.

Now as a Sex/Relationship Coach & Tantric Practitioner, I feel blessed to be able to help people gain the same benefits that I had received when I got into Tantra. I revel in the changes I see physically and energetically in clients as they begin to do this work. It is extraordinary to see people release things that have clung to their spirits like mud. I feel incredibly honored to be able to walk through pain, tears, shame, nightmares and joy with my clients the way that some outstanding people have done for me.

So although I will NEVER give dieting advice, here is a review of some elements that you can include in your life to help you find a body and life closer to what you desire:

  • Stop focusing on your weight in a negative way! The more you focus on how unhappy you are with your body the more you will tell the Universe that this is the body you want. If you think you’re fat you will be fat! Instead focus on aspects about your life and body that you enjoy.
  • Become more mindful of your body in diet and exercise. When you are eating, make sure you are focusing more on the taste of the food and the energy it gives off. When you are exercising, focus on how your body is enjoying the movement. Don’t deprive your body from foods that it really wants. If you want chocolate, then eat it – but eat it mindfully.
  • Have more SEX! There are many health benefits of good sex, but one of them is weight loss and toning. This will only work if you are having deep, connective sex, otherwise you will not be releasing the correct chemicals into your brain, and your orgasms won’t be deep enough to give you the full benefit. This goes for men and women.
  • Start working with a Tantric practitioner to release stored traumas from your body. When we are carrying around negative energy we are simply not able to live our best lives. Studies have shown that we can also physically carry these traumas through fat stores, cancers and other physical representations.

Reach out to Addison Bell, Sex & Relationship Coach and Tantric Practitioner, TODAY to find help in creating a better life and body for yourself!

www.addisonbell.net/contact

Balancing Gratitude & Pain

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I am sitting in my car in rush hour traffic when I feel it happen. I am listening to music and a song that always touches my heart comes on over the speakers, and I just feel tears start rolling down my cheeks. I am thankful that I’m in traffic and not really moving because the tears come faster and overtake my vision. The tears are a release of sadness, anger, hope, and disappointment; they are also releasing of energy that was never mine to begin with, energy that I picked up throughout the day. I let the tears roll down my face, leaving glistening wet stripes covering my cheeks and a puddle of collected tears on my shirt. I don’t try to brush them away. All of a sudden a feeling of frustration with myself overcomes me because although I am experiencing all these emotions, I am also feeling very grateful for my life. I have had some amazing sessions this week, had some heartfelt moments, great sex, and a list of about a million other little blessings that transpired over the week.

My ego jumps in and tells me that I am ungrateful because I am upset in the moment and am mentally venting sadness and frustration. I find myself in a dance of gratitude and pain, and I’m struggling to integrate the two seemingly opposing emotions.

Thankfully, I soon get to where I am going and check my Facebook page and low and behold, my friend and colleague, Kendal Williams reposted an article she had written “Are You Okay” with a recent post from sex educator Pamela Madsen:

“This is what I know for sure. It is not useful to hide pain, trauma, heartbreak, grief. It’s not useful to pretend that something terrible hasn’t happened. Acknowledging that something bad has happened to you is healing. How I handle a stressful event may be different than you. What is small to you or not traumatic for you could be traumatic for me. We all handle difficult and stressful events differently. It’s so important for us to create the space for us to feel. Fuck the “How are you” inquiry if you are just going to walk by. Inquire in a real way. It’s so healing for people to be listened too, and tell “their experience” of the heartbreak, the trauma, the terrible thing. This is how people let go of trauma. We have become a society of people that don’t really want to acknowledge pain, or that they need help or acknowledge stress. Instead we “medicate”. We “Numb”. Pick your numbing poison. We don’t teach staying with discomfort. We have kids who don’t want relationships because they don’t want to catch “the feels”. How we behave towards each other around stressful events creates the environmental that sets our biology and whether we go into stress reactions or resilience. It’s amazing how when you allow yourself to FEEL deeply into your body; and speak the pain (whatever it is) you will be able to let go of trauma and drama. When we are supported to do this — do your own grief work and move through that fabulous pile of crap — its amazing what can open up. #DoNotBuryTrauma “

Please check out the work of both these fabulous women, as they are more than a little insightful in many areas. But what I took away from these posts in that moment (because both posts have several lessons) is that pain cannot be hidden. If we try to hide our pain and push it aside then we are doing deep harm to ourselves mentally and physically. Also, it has been demonstrated that when we push aside the pain of others, the same concept remains true.

So how does Gratitude fit into all of this? Can we be both angry/upset/sad and still remain grateful? Many would disagree with me, but YES, I believe we can. At the end of the day, I am human, and although I have gained the ability to keep my Ego more in check and to be more of an observer, the fact is that I still have feelings, and that is okay. Just because something creates an emotional response or I need a few minutes to let my Ego run wild and release that energy does not take away my gratitude for the situation or my life.
I’ll give you an example. When I was driving, one of the things I was upset over was something a lover had said to me the previous day that poked into some very tender emotional spots. I was angry that my lover aggravated these seemingly tender spots but I was also upset that this person wanted to poke uninvited into this area of emotional struggle. So I was angry, but really I was sad, hurt, and very much confused. However, at the same time I was grateful because I knew that this was an opportunity for growth. A chance for me to practice boundaries, to work on figuring out why that tender spot is tender, and to grow. All of this was true simultaneously.

It is easy to dumb ourselves down as humans and try to focus only on the positive. But in truth, we rob ourselves of a deep and meaningful experience if we also do not let in the dark. Dr. Brene Brown, a shame researcher and author of several wonderful books including “Daring Greatly,” presents the idea that “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” In her books, she also goes on to explain that when we numb any part of ourselves, including our darkness, we also end up cutting off other parts of ourselves such as our joy, happiness, and light.
I am a huge proponent of gratitude practices, and I believe EVERY person on this earth has things to be grateful for in their lives, even if the only thing is that they are alive…. but in all truth, most people have a list that could wrap around the earth. I am constantly asking my clients to engage in gratitude practices, because when we are able to acknowledge the joy and blessings in our lives, we are able to manifest more of that in our world. However, this should not and does not negate the pain and struggles that face people every day. If anything, I have realized lately that truly some of the most beautiful people have to go through some very intense pain to keep moving forward and growing as humans.

I have a poster on one of the walls in my house that is simply for daily gratitudes. If I went up and really took some time reading that poster, many of my gratitudes have looked something like “I am grateful for this struggle because it is making me grow,” “I am grateful for that lesson because I won’t make the same mistake,” etc. Many of our worst moments lead to our greatest growth and eventually to our best moments.

All this to say that it is important to embrace your pain as a human being. We all have pain and struggle – that is a human experience. Don’t hide it and don’t pretend its not there, because it’s real and it’s authentic. Though of course, it’s also important to remember to focus in on all the amazing things that are present in our lives each and every day.

Namasté

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Lifes Little Orgasms

scientificamericansex0316-4-I1As I sit here in my car in the hot Texas summer, I have a sense of peace in my heart. I look out the car window and am amazed at the beautiful green trees that stand resilient against the beating heat. If you look hard enough you can see a pure white aura glowing from their steady statures. Around is a dazzling blue cornflower blue sky with white puffy clouds that make me want to dive into their marshmallow-ness. Even the soft breeze that blows through my window and dance across my skin takes strands of my hair off on a miniature dance.

I then check in on my body. Warmed skin, energy flowing deep in my belly, a soft breeze touching my cheek, and a tad bit of sleepiness in my eyes. I breathe deep into my diaphragm and note that my chest is slightly constricted from a busy, stressful day.

All of these beautiful things I would be missing out on if not for my intention to stop and really pay attention to not only my body but also my life. It is so easy to get lost in the humdrum daily grind and constant hustle – what I like to call the “hamster wheel” of life that we humans in today’s society so easily find ourselves on.

However, over the last few months I have made an extra special effort to focus in on what is happening in the present moment and tune into both my physical and emotional feelings. So today when I found myself experiencing shallow breathing and a tight chest as well as feeling really disconnected from my own energy, I knew I needed to stop, take a moment, and reconnect.

I could tell you all that I am always calm, collected, and connected…but that would be a lie. I’m totally human and get caught up in my ego and distractions like other humans. The point is that I make the effort to be a constant observer of my life in order to know when something is out of balance. Then I make the effort to make the changes necessary to rebalance my life and my emotions.

In sessions and even in blog posts I often talk quite a bit about orgasm and orgasmic energy. When I speak about this phenomenon I’m not just talking about it in a sexual manner. I’m talking about how our lives can be orgasmic!

The truth is that we can “get off” every time we have sex and still be totally out of whack energetically. Are you missing the little orgasms in your daily life? Are you simply riding the “kiddie ride” of orgasm where the peaks and valleys are shallow and safe?

The truth is that in life we make ourselves incredibly vulnerable if we sink into a Six Flags roller coaster kind of life and orgasmic experience. However, that’s unfortunately where we find the riches of life: happiness and peace. The lows make the highs even more amazing.

ce9827e8c3f270fa4ddd2118599e1737As humans we are very bad at compartmentalizing life. We cannot expect to ride these amazing orgasms in the bedroom but then be constricted in the remainder of our lives. We cannot close down aspects of ourselves and hope to be fully open to experiences that we desire.

I think this is true for both men and women but find that it particularly resonates with women. Our feminine energy and brains are especially not meant to function in this manner. Men often also think they are able to do this but the truth is that they are most likely cutting off their natural feminine energy in order to live in this way, which leads to an imbalance that possibly goes unnoticed.

Having the courage to be vulnerable to the highs, lows, and in betweens of daily life is the only way to fully experience all the wonder that this world holds. Taking the time to recognize ALL aspects of the orgasmic wave of life, including the parts that are uncomfortable, is the way to find ultimate bliss.

Go out today and recognize all the little orgasms in your life and how there is beauty in every moment of everyday if you take the time to open your heart to the world.

In order to gain more perspective and learn how to ride life’s orgasms…reach out to addisonbelltantra@gmail.com

Appointment spaces are limited and so get your coaching/bodywork slot while they are available!