It’s late in the evening, and I’m walking with two of my lovers as the light, balmy breeze blows my hair. I look up and feel deeply connected to the moon and breathe it into my being. As we walk, I give one of my lovers a gentle hug, and then I lean sweetly into the other with an affectionate nudge. They tell me how gorgeous I look and how sexy I am in my flowy dress that cuts up my leg perfectly and makes me look like a true Goddess.
Then my one lover stops and caresses the side of my face and leans over to plant a soft kiss on my lips as he puts his hands on my waist. My other lover comes up behind me and begins kissing my neck and then reaches around to tease my breasts through my dress. I lean back into the tender kisses and hear soft whispers in my ear, “Do you trust me?” I quickly nod my acknowledgment, but a shutter of nervous anticipation enters my stomach as a blindfold is quickly thrust over my eyes and securely fastened. My lovers take my hands and lead me forward as they tease with questions and scenarios they could be leading me too. We become silent except for the directions to ensure my safety and the quick pounding of my own heart up against my chest as I wonder what is about to happen. I hear a door opening and the deadly silence of an empty room. I receive soft kisses and feel teasing fingers slide my dress from my body. My soft lovers suddenly become more forceful as I am pushed onto my knees. My hair is grasped tightly by the lover behind me. I am egged on by the moans and demands that are escaping my lover’s lips as the other lover talks to me in sexy, low tones. Then I am lifted from my knees and shoved on a bed as my lovers simultaneously but gently tie my wrists above my head…
Let’s just say I get exquisitely ravaged after that in a million different ways!
That is the beginning of one of my reoccurring fantasies. I will let you fill in the bits after that for yourself, but I promise you that it gets very steamy! Sometimes it’s slightly different; the people change, the exact setting changes, but it’s always arousing.
Most of us see fantasy as just an occasional fun pastime but don’t think about the importance of fantasy in our sexing and lives as a whole. I believe in mindfulness and that many of us walk around in a fog that creates an overall unhappiness. We do not recognize all the wonderful little things we are presented with each day by the universe. One research study by the University of Southern California found that we spend 1/3-1/2 of our waking hours in some form of a daydream. It’s crucial that we begin to live more in the moment and less in past and future.
That being said, it is just as crucial to take the time for fantasy because fantasy is imperative for our creativity, for manifesting our lives, for our personal development, and, more notably, for our sex lives. Fantasies are a form of self-love in that they provide pleasure and joy without the need for another, which is also an act of confidence, sexual acceptance, and empowerment.
Fantasies serve many different purposes throughout our sexual development. As young children, our fantasies looks more like dreaming about how that boy/girl will kiss us or imagining a romantic scene where we ask him/her to share a PB&J in the cafeteria, and there is that magic connection. As we get into our adolescence and hormones start raging, the fantasies usually expand into more directly sexual situations. This is when you start imaging what the “first time” will be like and the beauty of undressing your boyfriend/girlfriend for the first time. It brings a thrill that usually leads to more self-exploration. Our fantasies continue on as we age and will often include different elements that are important at that time of a person’s life. For example, when I was a teenager, I would fantasize and really focus on bringing kissing into the fantasy. Now, kissing comes into play, but there are other aspects I find enjoyable to create in my fantasy such as a certain level of sex talk or eye connection. From a psychological perspective, we often have themes in our fantasies that can give us huge clues into what areas we need to expand and where our boundaries lie.
Hence, one of the best parts about sexual fantasy is being able to “try” different sexual experiences before engaging in them in person. For example, if a guy is uncertain about his sexual orientation, then trying out some fantasies with a “fantasy man” or someone he is attracted to may help him to determine if that is a true turn-on. There is safety in fantasy, and that safety helps us to create scenarios mentally that we may or may not take into our sexing. There are many scenarios that we imagine but don’t truly want to come to pass and others that we cannot wait to act upon.
Everyone’s fantasies are different. Some people have long expansive scenario-type fantasies while others have short flashing images of a quick moment. Some people’s fantasies are about deep sexual encounters that are exciting while others fantasize about a hand simply caressing their body. No matter how kinky, vanilla, long, or short they are, they are all good. That being said, I do encourage occasionally setting time aside to build those long drawn out scenarios just to learn more about yourself and take that deeper look, which will require some time.
Although everyone has different fantasies, researchers have found some that are more common:
- Sex with Someone Outside of a Partner
- Voyeurism & Exhibitionism
- Forced Encounters
- Same Sex Encounter
- Sex In Nature
- Double (or more) Penetration
- Gang Bangs
- Group Sex
The important thing to remember is that just because you are fantasizing about something does not mean that you are ready or willing to engage in that fantasy. Many fantasies are very different when turned into reality. There are many women that have rape fantasies, but that does not mean they desire to be raped in real life. Many times, we will begin our exploration of a fantasy and then move to the point of beginning to act them out.
Some people may never have the courage or simply the desire to bring their fantasies to life, although being able to take our mental images and make them a reality can arouse and stimulate us in ways we never imagined. Here are some steps and suggestions for bringing these fantasies to life:
- Share! – Talk about your fantasy with your partner or even just explain it to a friend. This will help you clarify and help you determine if you want to make this scenario come to pass. It’s amazing what we discover when speaking these thoughts out loud. Going into detail during sex with a partner, over text, or during phone sex could not only help you clarify but also turn up the energy in that encounter. Sharing can also help build intimacy in the relationship. Your partner cannot read your mind, so if you desire a specific fantasy, it is important that you share.
- I have one lover that I really enjoy sexting with because we can spend hours throwing different fantasies and ideas around. It gives me a chance to check in with my body about if a scenario is a turn-on, mediocre, or a FUCK YES! It has also increased my sexual imagination.
- Write It Out – Just like sharing, it can be really exciting and fun to write your fantasy out on paper. Writing can help manifest the fantasy into real life and help to bring clarity. If you want to make a fantasy truly come to life, then writing it out can help you organize exactly what you want. Especially with some of your more intense fantasies, it is important that you get very clear on what you want.
- I suggest to many of my clients to have a book that they handwrite their desires and explicit fantasies in. This not only helps in manifesting your sex life but also brings more clarity. Just make sure you have a friend that knows to burn the book if anything ever happens to you J
- Build Safety – Once you have decided that you are going to play out a particular fantasy, make sure that you have built in a layer of safety. This safety layer will look very different depending on the fantasy. If the fantasy is a light roleplay, you may just need a safe word. If it is something where you are bringing unknown people into the scenario, then you might need to do some vetting and have a “safe person” there to ensure your safety.
- Recently, I have had this one fantasy that keeps popping up in my mind. This particular fantasy is more extreme, so when speaking with a few different people, they were able to point out specific things that I need to think of in regards to safety. Before making this fantasy come true, I have intentions to spend weeks preparing myself and those involved to make it an exciting but pleasurable scenario—safe enough for me to drop into my body but exciting enough to be arousing and building growth.
- Don’t Get Hooked on Outcome – When we are thrown into new situations and especially situations that raise anxiety, it is going to be more difficult for many people to drop down into their bodies. Determine what you want the outcome of this play to be. Are you looking for an orgasm or are you looking to grow and experience something new? If it is the former, then you could be setting yourself up for failure. It may be important that you play with a fantasy more than once to see if it is truly something you enjoy.
- Have Fun & Get Creative!!!!!
One thing many struggle with is judging our fantasies and shaming ourselves for our imaginary sex lives. It’s important not to judge our fantasies and just allow our brains to roam during these times. Our fantasies are all in our brains, so they are not hurting anyone. Not judging is way easier said than done, but it is imperative when you hear your ego beginning to take the pleasure away from your fantasies. When growing up in our society, we experience many different types of shaming messages about sex, and often this shame can be brought right to the surface when faced with a desire or fantasy that you “don’t want to have, but, at the same time, is a true authentic fantasy/desire. This situation is when it would be powerful to journal, speak with a friend, find a sex coach, or find another way to process this shame.
Fantasy is all about exploration,—exploration of your sexual energy, exploration of your relationships, exploration of your shame and psychological life, and exploration of your exploration about who you are and what you want and don’t want. What a more enjoyable way to explore!! Learn!! Grow!!